Jason Bay, and a Brief History of "Met-amorphosis"

Free agent Jason Bay agreed to terms with the New York Mets Tuesday on a four year contract worth $66 million. This latest signing marks the latest in a history of Mets' acquisitions that ushered in a new era of lameness in a once exciting player's career.

Below is a recent history of what I am dubbing Met-amorphosis; New York Mets acquisitions and the resulting hype windfall of each player concerned.

2008: Fresh off of setting the single season saves record the previous season, free agent closer Francisco Rodriguez signed a three year/$37 million contract with the Mets, and began the part of his career where no one wants to talk about him.

2008: Two-time Cy Young Award winner Johan Santana was acquired through a trade, and then signed to six year/$137.5 million contract with the Mets. At the time of the signing, fans everywhere were thrilled that a large market team was able to come to terms with one of the premier players in the game.

2005: After a postseason in which he tied the record for most postseason home runs, Carlos Beltran sold his soul to the Mets for 7 years and $119 million. The signing brought him riches and fame beyond his wildest dreams, but at the cost of a debilitating injury every 2-3 months for the life of the contract.

2005: After pitching for the first World Champion Red Sox team since that was the correct spelling of "socks", Pedro Martinez signed a 4 year/$53 million contract with the Mets. The former phenom had a strong first season with New York, but sat out large portions of each subsequent season, hampered with constant injuries. This is also when Pedro got fat, and this fact cannot be overlooked.

Some other notable candidates for this designation: Tom Glavine, Carlos Delgado, and Luis Castillo (never that exciting to begin with, but still).

Third Grader Despised for Ignorance of Baseball Record

OSHKOSH, WI - Third grade student Donny Stubbs was abused and shunned by his peers Tuesday after incorrectly guessing the all time home run record holder. The eight year old boy, yearning to fit in, conjectured that Babe Ruth held the record.

Classmate Kevin McFeely was quick to scold the ignorant Stubbs. "It's Barry Bonds, and then it's Hank Aaron, and then Babe Ruth, faggot."

Donny Stubbs then claimed to have known about Barry Bonds, and that his Babe Ruth guess was a response to a question he thought he was being asked. This explanation was met with further degradation to his masculinity and intelligence.

"I'll probably start following sports more closely from now on," Stubbs contemplated to no one in particular during afternoon recess, "That could come in handy."

Chad Ochocinco Fined for Hijinks

CINCINATTI, OH - Eccentric Bengals receiver Chad Ochocinco was fined $20,000 for an unabashed display of hijinks following a touchdown in Sunday's game. The idiosyncratic name changer engaged in a somewhat original act of whimsy after a productive offensive play in which he played a pivotal role. The play-making goofball, known for his celebratory antics, silenced doubters of his commitment to tomfoolery.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell is taking a hard line with the borderline entertainer. In a press conference yesterday, Goodell read in a statement, "Chad needs to take responsibility for the damages that he causes with his shenanigans. They detract from the serious nature of athletic spectacle, and distract other players who are trying to pay attention to the game."

When asked where the money from Ochocinco's fine will go, Roger Goodell paused briefly before swiftly levying a fine on the inquisitive reporter for being a "smart aleck."

Memphis Grizzlies' Mascot Scores 11 points, Grabs 8 rebounds

Greg Oden Retires, Considers Teaching Again

PORTLAND, OR - After fracturing his left knee cap Saturday night, Trailblazers Center Greg Oden will miss the rest of the 2009-10 season. The 45 year-old NBA sophomore will likely retire following this recent setback and weigh his career options.

Dr. Gregory "Greg" Oden was a professor of Kinesiology at Ohio State University from 1993 until 2006, when he volunteered to play for the school's basketball team after wowing coaches during a "Faculty vs. Students" pickup game. His play during that collegiate year drew attention from even the most orthodox of basketball minds in the professional game.

"Ten years ago if you had asked me if a 43 year-old could flourish as a rookie in the NBA, I would have scoffed." Veteran scout Ralph Laquette said following Oden's breakout season with the Buckeyes. "This Greg Oden is a man among boys though."

When Portland drafted the tenured educator number one overall in the 2007 NBA Draft, Oden decided to trade in the chalkboard for the hardwood and take a sabbatical from his post at Ohio State. The Trailblazers were optimistic that Oden's combination of vast life experience and impressive teaching credentials would have a significant impact on the team's success along with their continued education.

However the middle aged seven-footer, despite being in phenomenal physical shape for someone his age, has not been able to avoid the injury bug during his young career. After missing his rookie season following microfracture surgery, he was repeatedly sidelined due to injuries during the 2008-09 campaign. This most recent injury will most likely pave the way back to grading term papers and speaking off the PowerPoint for the two-time Gatorade National Player of the Year.

According to sources close to Oden, the father of three teenage daughters is looking forward to spending more time with his family following his foray into professional sport.

LeBron James a Knick, JK

New Study Shows Players Hate Giving Back

A new study in which players from a certain basketball association were surveyed shows that with few exceptions, players hate giving back to their community. According to several sources, who agreed to comment only after their anonymity was ensured, their league's mandatory charity initiatives are nothing more than an inconvenient obligation.

"Maybe the NBA Cares, but that doesn't mean I should have to give a shit," lamented one Los Angeles shooting guard, "I mean hand out presents for a half hour on Christmas, fine. But what am I doing building a house? I'm a shot caller, not a drywaller."

"I'm so grateful for the opportunity that I'm in, I'm more than happy to do anything I can to help the Orlando community...not!" Joked one jovial, 6'11" man. "Man, this shit's gay!"

Rockets Haven't Told McGrady He's Fired Yet

HOUSTON, TX -- Tracy McGrady showed up to Wednesday night's game against the Timberwolves in full uniform expecting to be activated, only to find out that he wasn't on the roster.

"I showed up for warmups, and everyone was shooting me weird looks and I was just shooting around and then coach [Adelman] took me aside and told me that- that he didn't know what was going on, but that I wasn't on the team's roster, " The confuseed former all-star free agent said Thursday in a phone interview." He told me to get it cleared up with front office, but I couldn't get a hold of Daryl [Rockets' general manager Morey], so I just went home. I hope he's okay."

"Nobody's told him still?" Newly acquired small forward Trevor Ariza said at the halftime interview. "Uhh... Well, I'm not gonna be the one to tell him that I took his job. No way."

"We just haven't gotten around to it, yet," Morey said when questioned after the game.

Arena DJ Plays "Everybody Dance Now", Dirk Nowitzki Goes Wild

Allen Iverson Wants to Want to Play for the Grizzlies

by Allen Iverson

Don't get Allen Iverson wrong. If Allen Iverson had ever really wanted to play for Memphis, this would be so much easier. Sometimes when a team shows interest in you, you want to reciprocate that interest by signing a contract with them. However after six whole games with that team, only three of which Allen Iverson played in, it became clear that Allen Iverson had fallen asleep for a year and found himself playing for the Memphis Grizzlies.

Allen Iverson wishes it didn't have to be this way, but at the same time he can't respect himself when he's coming off the bench, for $3 million, for the Grizzlies. Allen Iverson used to be the No. 1 pick, the MVP, not to mention cover of NBA 2K through 2K4. But what is Allen Iverson now? Mike Conley ain't never been on the cover of no NBA 2K.

Allen Iverson has no regrets though. He's glad he signed that contract that the Grizzlies offered him. It was very gracious of them and Allen Iverson is more than happy to take their $3 million. However, it's important to know when to leave a situation that isn't working. Just imagine if we were twelve games into the season and Allen Iverson had to walk away. After those Grizzlies saw what Allen Iverson brought to their team, they could never go on without him.

Overall, Allen Iverson's legacy with Memphis will be one defined by a trio of classic A.I. performances - like that one night we played the Warriors and he scored 18 points (season high!). Allen Iverson wishes the Memphis Grizzlies the best in all of their future endeavors, and hopes to stay in touch with OJ Mayo.

Self-Concious Manny Pacquiao Wears T-Shirt to Fight

LAS VEGAS, NV - Welterweight boxing champion Manny Pacquiao bucked boxing tradition Wednesday when he opted to wear a t-shirt to his match versus Miguel Cotto.

"I don't know what he thinks he has to be ashamed of," Pacquiao's trainer Freddie Roach told reporters. "He has a terrific body."

When questioned, Pacquiao dismissed rumors of his new bashfulness. "No, you guys have got it all wrong. I just like this t-shirt."

Rumor: New York Knicks show interest in LeBron James?

NEW YORK, NY -- It is becoming apparent that New York Knicks GM Donnie Walsh is entertaining the idea of LeBron James in a blue and orange uniform in 2010.

"It would make sense for our franchise right now that we try to sign LeBron. I mean, if we had a player of that caliber on our team, we could really win some games," Walsh said when questioned about James' eligibility as a free agent in the upcoming offseason. "I'm not sure exactly how well he would fit into our system, or where we would put [Danilo] Gallinari, but I am definitely looking into the possibility of bringing him to New York City."

Other teams that have shown interest in last year's MVP include: the New Jersey Nets, the Miami Heat, the Chicago Bulls, the Los Angeles Clippers, the Los Angeles Lakers, the Toronto Raptors, the Boston Celtics, the Orlando Magic, the Denver Nuggets, the Sacramento Kings, the New Orleans Hornets, the Oklahoma City Thunder, the Golden State Warriors, the Phoenix Suns, the San Antonio Spurs, the Dallas Mavericks, the Atlanta Hawks, the Washington Wizards, the Philadelphia 76'ers, the Memphis Grizzlies, the Indiana Pacers, the Utah jazz, the Portland Trailblazers, the Houston Rockets, the Minnesota Timberwolves, the Milwaukee Bucks, the Charlotte Bobcats, the Detroit Pistons and the Cleveland Cavaliers.

Josh Smith Decides to Give up Explaining Fantasy Basketball to Joe Smith

Update: Bill Hall Singing "House of the Rising Sun" in Seattle Bar

SEATTLE, WA -- Mariners' recent signee Bill Hall was spotted in Dimitriou's Jazz Alley after Friday night's game performing "House of the Risin' Sun" to a small audience. Accompanied by his acoustic guitar and harmonica, Hall sung the melancholic folk ballad made famous by The Animals with an impassioned howl and a visible sadness seen only on victims of only the harshest pain and deepest loss.

His long set also included a number of other somber folk ballads such as "Rocks and Gravel", "Moonshiner", and Simon & Garfunkel's hit "The Sound of Silence".

Ken Griffey Jr. and his jazz quintet perform at Dimitriou's on Sunday at 9.

Carlos Silva: "It's a European Greeting"

Russell Branyan (left): "I think I'm getting kissed more than the other guys."

SEATTLE, WA - According to team sources, veteran pitcher Carlos Silva has recently started greeting and congratulating his teammates with a kiss on the cheek. His Mariners clubhouse has had a lukewarm reaction to the new custom.

"He started [kissing his teammates] a few weeks ago," outfielder Franklin Gutiérrez told reporters. "That first day I thought he was just happy because he had pitched well, but that guy has tracked me down and pecked me on the cheek every day since then."

"It's a European greeting," the Venezuelan-born pitcher has been overheard telling people before he embraces them and gives them a quick but assured kiss on their cheek.

First baseman Russell Branyan does not appreciate Silva's affectionate custom. "Today he pulled me aside to kiss me in the dugout, and I was just going up to bat. I think I'm getting kissed more than the other guys."

While many players do not appreciate the gesture, struggling young pitcher Brandon Morrow feels he might benefit from more of Silva's attention. "I get that some guys are weirded out by it, but he's never once kissed me. I'm not saying I want him to, but a little bit of acknowledgment would be nice."

"He does not do that to me," Ichiro said through his translator.

NHL Rumor: Hockey Player could sign with Hockey Team

There was some speculation that the wing, center, defender, or goalie would sign with this one team, but it is now becoming apparent that the hockey player could sign with this other team.

The same hockey team recently acquired a hockey player from another hockey team in exchange for another hockey player of perceived equal value. While one of the two teams may benefit from the transaction in one way, the other team could benefit in a different way.

If the hockey team signs the aforementioned hockey player in addition to the recent transaction, then the team could either be better or worse than they were last year.

Brian McCann's Glasses, Beard Fake

ATLANTA, GA - Braves catcher Brian McCann admitted Monday that his eyeglasses, as well as his beard are not authentic.

During pre-game warm-ups Monday, Chipper Jones asked McCann if he could try his glasses on for fun. McCann, refusing at first, was eventually overpowered by Jones and was forced to give them up.

"Wait a minute," Jones said as he took the glasses off and then put them back on, "are there any prescriptions in these lenses?"

At this point the four time All Star admitted that they were merely for vanity, and he owned them because he "always liked the way he looked in glasses."

Soon after and without provocation, McCann also admitted that his beard was fake and removed it as well.

"I wanted to come clean. I never meant to hurt anybody," the catcher said in a statement accompanying the above photo. "I hope my actions encourage other ballplayers to remove their beards as well."

Ricky Rubio: "My situation is so random"

Joakim Soria Sr. Delays Game, "Worried about Joakim"

Favre Un-Retires for Third Time, Practices with Vikings

MINNEAPOLIS, MN -- It is being reported that Brett Favre has signed a two-year contract with the Minnesota Vikings. Favre participated in practice with the team Tuesday, but there is no way of telling if he will retire again by the end of the day.

"The guys upstairs tell me we have a very special contract with Brett," Vikings head coach Brad Childress explained. "Technically, I don't think he's obliged to actually play for us."

"Being retired is more of a mindset really," Favre told reporters after practice with an unshakable grin across his face. "I love football, don't get me wrong, I LOVE football. But I can't commit to saying that I'll love it tomorrow. What is tomorrow anyway? Today was tomorrow, and now it's today, if that makes sense. The point is, I have to go home and be with my wife, and really think about whether or not I should come in to practice again tomorrow, if that makes sense."

The Vikings have agreed to pay Favre $12 million this season, and $13 million next season, despite the uncertainty.

Reluctant Nationals GM: We Signed Strasburg

"Stephen, does that hat fit well? Do you feel good about yourself?"

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Nationals GM Mike Rizzo held a press conference Tuesday morning, following the midnight signing of No. 1 overall draft pick P Stephen Strasburg. Strasburg and the team finally agreed to terms, signing the college pitcher to a deal worth $15.67 million over four years.

"We're so excited to be gambling our franchise on a pitcher of Stephen's caliber," Rizzo announced early Tuesday morning. "Stephen, does that hat fit well? Do you feel good about yourself?"

The Washington Nationals, boasting the 4th lowest payroll in the major leagues, signed the San Diego State product to a deal that shattered the previous record held by Mark Prior from 2001. Prior, who was recently released by the San Diego Padres while struggling in the minors, was widely considered a lock for super-stardom entering the draft.

Giants Pitcher Joe Martinez Loses Contact Lens

"Oh jeez, my contact lens," Martinez said after throwing a strike in the 9th inning of the Giants 9-1 win over Milwaukee. "Bengie! Wait! Do NOT throw that ball back, I can't see a thing."

The once roaring crowd now stared in silence as he crawled on his knees searching for the lens, repeatedly muttering to himself "This is so embarrassing."

After two minutes of delay, newly acquired first baseman Ryan Garko ran over to help him find it, only to be screeched at by Martinez. "I don't need your help, Ryan! I can do this myself!"

After a few more minutes, Martinez began crying and chewing on his glove before manager Bruce Bochy helped him off the field.

The Giants placed Martinez on the 15-day DL and purchased the contract of Justin Miller from the minors.

NFLPA Braces for 2011 "Lock-In"

NFLPA Executive Director DeMaurice Smith

TERRE HAUTE, IN -- The head of the NFL Players Association exuded excitement while bracing players for a potential "Lock-In" when the current labor deal expires in 2011.

"A 'Lock-In' is a fun, positive way to work out an agreement for both parties in a quick, efficient manner," executive director of the NFLPA DeMaurice Smith enthusiastically explained at a Colts camp on Monday.

Last year, the owners opted out of the Collective Bargaining Agreement in place since 1993 when the agreement no longer provided the owners with adequate enough incentives to continue investment due to the increasing costs of stadium construction, operations, and improvements demanded by fans.

In 2011, the owners and the NFLPA representatives may be locked in a confined space until they reach an agreement that will give members of both sides more than enough money to afford happiness.

Gems in Internet Advertising

Source: Nats Offer Strasburg Record Contract [ESPN.com]

Editorial: Yeah, Baseball's Pretty Cool

By Alex Kavutskiy

I can't imagine hitting a tiny ball that’s being thrown really fast. That's why baseball players are my heroes. Baseball is so awesome! After you hit the ball, you have to run around the bases and score but don’t let the other team get you or you're OUT! It’s America’s pastime…but it’s also America’s FUTURE time! The umpires are great and fair. They make sure nothing bad happens. I like shortstop, ya know, shortstop. It’s between second and third base, where all the action happens. Sometimes, when all the bases are loaded, you gotta hit a grand slam and score all the runs to win the game. It is really hard to play because between every time you’re at bat, the OTHER team is at bat! They’re good too so you gotta make sure they don’t score points on you or you’re OUT!

My favorite player is Mark Maguire. No, Babe Ruth! Babe Ruth was called the Boss but he wasn’t bossy, he was nice. And he was really great at baseball. Players play for baseball teams and the teams play against each other. Whoever wins gets points. The commission adds up the points and sees which two teams will face off in the World Series. It’s so exciting for the fans but it’s really scary for the players. Whoever wins gets to be the best that year and then the cycle starts all over again. Sometimes, players get traded and that’s confusing. One year you play for this team and then you play for THAT team. I just can’t keep track.

Going to the baseball game is so fun. You get to eat. I like when they hit fly balls. That’s my chance to catch a ball too. Sometimes, I can’t go to a game and that makes me sad. But sometimes I can go and that makes me happy!

So that’s why I think baseball is pretty cool and we can all learn from baseball. But be careful. Three strikes and you’re OUT!

Luis Castillo Officially Best Hitter on Mets

NEW YORK, NY - Mets third baseman and franchise cornerstone David Wright left the game Saturday after being struck on the helmet by a Matt Cain fastball, leaving 33 year-old Luis Castillo as the most competent hitter in the lineup.

Luis Castillo, who recently went unrecognized while dining at a crowded Manhattan steak house, is hitting for a respectable .300 through August 14. Castillo also leads his team in batting average, hits, runs, walks, and on base percentage.

The New York Mets, with the highest payroll in the NL at 149m, have been decimated by injuries in 2009. They will now have the 13-year veteran infielder to thank for any offensive production.

"Really?" inquired a visibly surprised Castillo upon being informed of his status as the Mets' main offensive juggernaut, "You sure about that one? What about...oh yeah I guess so."

Quentin Richardson Living Out of Suitcase

"I hate to settle in just to find out that I've been traded again."

MEMPHIS, LOS ANGELES, MINNEAPOLIS, MIAMI - According to multiple sources, NBA journeyman Quentin Richardson has held no permanent residence this off-season and has been living out of his suitcase.

"I hate to get settled in just to find out that I've been traded again." Richardson said in a phone interview.

Richardson, who previously played for the Phoenix Suns before a 2005 trade that sent him to the New York Knicks, was traded on June 25 to the Memphis Grizzlies in exchange for Darko Milicic. Upon hearing the news, Richardson flew to Memphis, checked into a Marriott hotel and began house hunting.

Less than a month later Richardson was on the move again, this time being traded to the Los Angeles Clippers in exchange for Zach Randolph.

"'Wow, it's the second time I've been traded this off-season. This must be unprecedented,'" Richardson mused at the time, "L.A. is where I've always wanted to be though. I'd like to retire as a Clipper."

Richardson flew to California, and planned to stay with friends while he began drafting plans to build his dream home in L.A. Before he could get approval from the zoning board however, word came down three days later that the Clippers had shipped Richardson to the Timberwolves, in exchange for Sebastian Telfair, Mark Madsen, and Craig Smith.

The jet-lagged swingman was reached for an interview the next day, speaking to the media via the Holiday Inn Express's front desk phone. "Wow, three trades in a month. At least I know I'll be a mainstay here in Minnesota."

On August 12, the newly settled sharpshooter bought a mansion in nearby St. Paul. Richardson also bought a new winter wardrobe to prepare for his new frigid climate.

"It's been a hectic off-season for me, but I'm finally warming up to the idea of playing many years for the T-Wolves," Richardson told reporters from his new home, "hold on I've got call waiting...why would Pat Riley be calling me?"

Failures in Viral Marketing

From this I learned that the people who write on Shaq's wall are not the same people that like humorous sports blogs. Maybe Shaq sees it though, tweets about it, and then we get a million hits. The first one is the best.

Bill Hall Gets Designated for Assignment, Divorce

MILWAUKEE, WI - Hours after the Milwaukee Brewers decided to cut ties with Bill Hall, the third baseman's wife of two years made a similar decision.

On Wednesday morning, when Hall had arrived for practice, manager Ken Macha called the underperforming infielder into the front office to inform him that they were letting him go.

"He said that I didn't understand, that his wife was going to kill him. I told him that it wasn't my decision. Then he quietly cleaned out his locker and left," Macha explained. "I feel sorry for the poor guy, but this is a job like any other. If your headlines were gramatically incorrect, I'm sure you'd get fired too."

Sure enough, Bill's wife, name withheld, filed for divorce Thursday afternoon. Hall has since been seen in taverns across West Milwaukee, where he has frequently told bartenders how much he misses his wife and children, his job, and his house.

After hitting 35 home runs in 2006, Hall has only hit a combined total of 35 home runs since.

Zack & Khalil: A Love Forbidden - Chapter 2

For Chapter 1 of Zack & Khalil: A Love Forbidden click here.

Chapter 2
Zack Greinke pulled up to Khalil Greene's St. Louis studio four hours later. Khalil had fallen asleep on the phone not long into the drive.
"I'm here." the Royals ace whispered as he knelt down to the shortstop's resting head. "I'm just going to brush my teeth."
"Why did you wake me? I was having the strangest dream. I was still on the Padres, and Brain Giles - do you know Brian Giles?"
"I know of him." replied Zack from the bathroom.
"I was taking batting practice and Brian Giles was just leaning on the cage, watching me. Then he asked me if I ever tried batting lefty. I told him I had never tried, and he kept insisting that I should only bat lefty. It was so weird."
"Mmmhmm." Zack spat out his toothpaste and rinsed.
"That is weird." Zack rolled down his high socks and joined Khalil under the covers.
"Zack, what was my dream about?"
"You and Marcus Giles were taking batting practice."
"It was Brian Giles, Zack. Do you even hear me when I talk to you? Do my thoughts matter to you?" Khalil sat up and lit a cigarettee at the edge of the bed.
"What are you doing? You don't smoke." said Zack, shocked and disturbed.
"I took it up recently. I have nothing to do since I've been on the disabled list with my anxiety disorder. And you're never here. I don't know what you do all day."
"I play baseball. It's my job, you know that."
"What about me, Zack? While you're outside playing all day, I'm stuck inside this lousy apartment not knowing what to do with myself." Khalil stood up and began pacing around the room. Zack was out of ideas, and out of energy.
"Don't you think I miss playing? Two years ago I hit 27 home runs playing half my games in Petco Park. Now look at me!"
Standing in front of Zack was a broken man. Was this the same person who he had been sneaking around with for the last three years? He thought that Khalil's trade to the Cardinals last year would make things easier, but he could tell that Khalil was jealous of his recent success.
"Tony La Russa told me that if I feel like I'm ready to come back, he'll bat me in the 9-hole, after the fucking pitcher!"
"I thought the pitcher often batted eighth in La Russa's lineups." posed Zack.
"Whose side are you on anyway?" snapped Khalil.
"I just think you should try and calm down Khalil. Please come back to bed."
"I think you should leave Zack Greinke. Go on, get out of here!" This wasn't the first time Khalil had thrown him out of his place in the middle of the night, but it would be the last.
"You want me to leave Khalil? Fine. I'm going." Zack got out of bed, put his pants back on and gathered his things. "Don't you dare call me," he added before slamming the door behind him. As Zack continued down the hallway, he thought he heard a faint, "I'm sorry" from the apartment, but it was too late. Hopefully he could make it back to Kansas City before the sun came up.

Tyreke Evans Creates Himself in NBA Live 2009

"Yeah, 98 inside shooting... 97 medium range... I'm not so good at threes... 94," thought Evans as he began editing his attributes.

Fantasy News: Bronson Arroyo Kicking Himself for Picking Up Bronson Arroyo

CINCINATTI, OH - Reds starter Bronson Arroyo regrets picking up free agent SP Bronson Arroyo in his fantasy baseball league this week. Arroyo, who had mistakenly left Wednesday's probable starters sorted by their O-Rank, was encouraged by Bronson Arroyo's recent game log.

"I just figured the Pirates were in town, and they're a pretty weak offensive team," Arroyo explained, "but there's always a risk when you take a flier on a guy like Bronson Arroyo."

According to fantasy league sources, the waiver move destroyed his team WHIPlash's chance at winning ERA or WHIP for the week.

"Needless to say I'm dropping Bronson Arroyo as soon as I get the chance." Arroyo told reporters in the clubhouse after his rough outing, "This was the biggest mistake I made since drafting Willy Tavares in Round 9. Oh hey Willy, how long have you been standing there?"

Phil Jackson, Kurt Rambis No Longer Friends on Facebook

LOS ANGELES, CA - After an unsettling period of angry back-and-forth emailing, Phil Jackson has removed former Lakers assistant coach Kurt Rambis from his friend list on the social networking website Facebook. The move comes just a few days after Rambis accepted a position to be head coach of the Timberwolves and boarded a flight to Minneapolis.

“Kurt really put a dagger in the back of the entire Lakers organization,” Jackson told reporters. “I really thought he and I had an understanding. I thought Kurt was a winner."

When asked how Rambis’ departure has affected some of the players, Jackson went on to say, “The guys are pretty bent out of shape. Yesterday I spoke with Adam Morrison who has been very distraught. Ever since he came over from Charlotte, Kurt's been like a father figure to him. The two of them would go out for ice cream after any game in which Adam contributed offensively.”

Jackson allegedly decided on his course of action late last night and logged onto the website early this morning to carry out the deed. He followed a link directly to his friend list, bypassing all of his notifications entirely, and scrolled down until he found Rambis’s name directly between Jerry Buss and Lamar Odom. Without hesitation, Jackson clicked "Remove from Friends" and proceeded to send Rambis a blank message with the subject heading “Loser."

What Rambis might have seen when checking in on Jackson.

Kurt Rambis has thus far been unattainable for comment on the matter, though Lakers veteran Derek Fisher is not surprised.

“I always thought there was something fishy about Kurt. Ever since I saw him and Kevin Garnett conversing on the court before Game 5 last year, I lost trust in him. I never felt like he bled purple and gold. I think he just bleeds red.”

“In a perfect world, Kurt and I could still be friends,” Jackson concluded. “But in a perfect world I wouldn’t receive an email every time I'm poked by George Karl." Jackson paused for a minute, then added, “Son of a bitch still has my Planet Earth DVDs.”

Report: Vick Signs with Bird Team

PHILADELPHIA, PA -- Vick's agent Joel Segal confirmed reports Thursday afternoon that Michael Vick has agreed to terms on a 1-year deal with bird franchise, the Philadelphia Eagles.

The decision came long after the Falcons made it clear that they were going to move in a different direction and after it had become apparent that the Baltimore Ravens, Arizona Cardinals, and Seattle Seahawks were not interested in signing Vick.

Michael Vick was conditionally reinstated to the NFL, and will be reconsidered for full reinstatement by Week 6. The quarterback, formerly of the Atlanta Falcons, has stated that he would be more than willing to accept a bench role for any bird team in the NFL.

After signing with the Eagles, jailbird Vick tweeted, "I hope to contribute, that's all. I will do what is best for the nest."

Vick will fly into Philadelphia tomorrow to meet with head coach Andy Reid.

Black Youth Hopes to be Obama of MLB Catchers

Robert Swift Dies, We Can All Stop Pretending

OKLAHOMA CITY, OK - Thunder C Robert Swift died Wednesday morning, losing a long battle to Imminent Death Syndrome. Imminent Death Syndrome, or IDS, is a rare disease whose victims are literally on the brink of death for the entirety of their lifespan. Those around the victim want to make his last days rewarding, but are often put in an awkward position when he does not die.

Robert Swift's NBA career began in 2004, when he was drafted 12th overall by the Seattle SuperSonics as part of ESPN's inspiring My Wish series. Swift, who was expected to pass at any minute for the past five years, had been allowed to play off the bench for the Seattle SuperSonics and later the Oklahoma City Thunder.

Robert Swift receives hearty encouragement during a Sonics practice in 2007.

Swift, who averaged 4.3 points and 3.9 rebounds in his career as an honorary NBA player, will be remembered by his teammates as a very special young man.

"I spent a lot of quality time on the bench with Robert," former Thunder teammate Joe Smith had to say, "and he was always so positive, so happy to be alive and playing basketball."

In 2008, the SuperSonics had run out of roster space to accommodate Swift's dying wish to play in the NBA, and commissioner David Stern made a grand gesture by fabricating a new franchise for Robert Swift to play for. Once he knew that Swift was thoroughly distracted in another room, Stern famously held a discreet press conference explaining that "This new fake team [would] be called the Oklahoma City Thunder and [would] simply never play Seattle."

When contacted about Robert Swift's long awaited passing, Suns forward Amar'e Stoudamire expressed his sadness at the news, and had this to say about playing against him. "Every team in the league understood that when you played the Thunder, you didn't have to let them win necessarily, but it would be nice to let Robert have his moment to shine."

The Suns make way for a Robert Swift slam dunk during a 2009 game.

"Now that Robert Swift has finally passed on, naturally the Thunder will be dissolved and the media can begin covering Sonics games again." David Stern said in a press release today, "We will miss Robert dearly, but I'm sure everyone is at least somewhat relieved that we can all stop pretending."

Report: Pitino admits to paying $3,000 for abortion

LOUISVILLE, KY -- NCAA basketball coach Rick Pitino confessed on Wednesday afternoon that he, in fact, did pay $3,000 for an abortion.

"I had no idea it was going to be that much," Pitino said with a remorseful tremor in his voice. "I thought it would be like 500, tops."

Pitino, married with five children, had accused Karen Sypher recently of intent to extort money from him after their love affair in 2003. The Louisville Courier-Journal reported Tuesday that Pitino told police that he did have consensual sex with Sypher and later paid a "dickload of money" for her abortion.

Shaq Challenges Steve Nash to Free Throw Contest for New Reality Show

Self-promotion aficionado and Cavaliers center Shaquille O'Neal has challenged former teammate Steve Nash to a free throw contest for his new reality show Shaq Vs. In the show, Shaq challenges various star athletes to competitions in their own sport.

Nash, a career 90% free throw shooter, remains hesitant to take his charisma-laden former teammate up on his offer. "I love Shaq. I can't wait to see him take on Albert Pujols in a home run derby or Michael Phelps in the pool. I just don't know if there's any way this turns out well."

When asked if perhaps he was biting off more than he could chew, Shaq answered, "Steve Nash can shoot some free throws, but he ain't no match for my delayed wrist flick."

In addition to a free throw contest with Steve Nash, O'Neal is trying to line up one more competition for his show. "I've already gotten in touch with Daniel Day Lewis' people about an acting contest. Come on Daniel, one production of 'Waiting for Godot' and we'll see what the critics have to say."

AJ Hinch sends Justin Upton to DL, takes away XBOX

"He knows what he did." - D-Backs' manager AJ Hinch

PHOENIX, AZ -- The Arizona Diamondbacks have placed 21 year-old right fielder Justin Upton on the DL for "bad behavior".

"He knows what he did," D-Backs' manager AJ Hinch said at a press conference before Thursday night's game, "How long Justin remains on the DL is entirely up to him."

After trying to steal second base without receiving any sign to do so in the ninth inning of Wednesday night's 4-3 win over the Pittsburgh Pirates, Upton was immediately hooked by Hinch and sent to the locker room. After the game, Hinch was seen ripping out wires from behind the television in Upton's locker.

"This is so stupid," said third baseman Mark Reynolds after the incident. "Now none of us can play XBOX."

Trent Oeltjian, an outfielder with good manners, was called up from Triple-AAA to replace Upton.

Verizon: 'No chance' Vick signs with us

ASHBURN, VA -- Another phone corporation has shot down rumors that Michael Vick could sign a wireless service contract with them. A Verizon Wireless representative issued a statement Tuesday that "there is no chance Michael Vick will be using a Verizon phone in the near future."

Former NFL All-Star Vick's contract with T-Mobile was terminated in 2007 when reports surfaced of his involvement in the dog-fighting scandal, and has since been unable to contact anyone without finding a pay phone. Now out of prison after a 22-month sentence, Vick has been looking to start over with a new service.

Vick had previously been rumored to be signing with AT&T and Sprint, but both have since made public statements distancing themselves from the former Falcons quarterback.

Vick will probably look to settle for a landline service. It's been rumored that Vonage has expressed interest in the felon.

Michael Crabtree's Cousin Advises that he Jump off Bridge

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - As negotiations between the 49ers and their first round draft pick Michael Crabtree reached a boiling point Tuesday, the rookie's adviser and cousin made a statement that Crabtree, if necessary, would be willing to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge.

"My cousin-slash-client trusts my advice completely. If I tell him to jump, he asks how high. If I tell him to jump off a bridge, he asks which one."

Crabtree, who has sat out from 49ers training camp due to hostile contract negotiations, said that if the two sides cannot come to terms he will be forced to end his own life.

Rumor: Allen Iverson to start own organization?

According to various AP sources, veteran guard Allen Iverson is filing the paperwork to start his own NBA franchise.

"Allen Iverson only wants to play for Allen Iverson," Iverson was heard on a Chicago radio station Tuesday morning. "Allen Iverson don't want to play for no Larry Brown. Allen Iverson don't want to play for no city of Miami. Allen Iverson don't want to play for nobody but Allen Iverson."

When asked if any personnel or investors have signed on, Iverson responded, "You're looking at him."

It would seem the "Allen Iversons" would play on the courts at Iverson's mansion in Philadelphia if [he] is chosen to be inducted as the NBA's first expansion franchise since the Charlotte Bobcats.

"Allen Iverson," Iverson added.

Josh Hamilton Wears Sunglasses, Chews Gum in Corner of Rangers Dugout

ARLINGTON, TX - Redeemed slugger Josh Hamilton was spotted last Sunday sitting by himself in the corner of the Rangers dugout, wearing sunglasses and constantly chewing gum during a game against the Seattle Mariners. The rehabilitated star allowed ample space between himself and his closest teammate.

"At first I didn't think anything of it," said teammate Ian Kinsler, "but then he seemed a little anxious when I asked him what he knew about [Mariners starter] Ian Snell.

"He kept trying to explain one thing to me, and then he would go off on a tangent about how Snell used to be on the Pirates and how he likes PNC Park, because it has that yellow bridge...something along those lines."

In Hamilton's first plate appearance he drew a walk, but was picked off at first base without a dive. On his way back to the dugout, he was overheard crying softly to himself and repeating the phrase, "I'm such a fucking idiot. I'm such a fucking idiot."

In the top of the fifth inning with his team in the field, Texas manager Ron Washington noticed his center fielder periodically eating what looked like Funyuns.

"I started just watching Josh, and every few minutes he would reach into his pocket, but he would make it part of some larger gesture like he was stretching. Sure enough, a few seconds later he would put something in his mouth."

After striking out in the seventh inning, Hamilton was seen drinking two cans of Diet Coke before the end of the inning. According to teammates, the Home Run Derby champion's mood seemed to be lifted following the caffeine boost.

"Josh Hamilton? That guy is hilarious!" Outfielder Andruw Jones said of his teammate, "Today he asked me about how I spell my name, he said 'Why do you need the W?' I've been telling people about that all day."

Catcher Jarrod Saltalamacchia had a less jovial outlook on his teammate's behavior.
"I walked by him in the clubhouse, just passed him and the guy starts saying my last name out loud. But repeating and over enunciating it. Like Sal-ta-la-MACH-ia, SALT-alamachia, saltalamaCHIA. That's just obnoxious."

Special assignment coach and accountability partner Johnny Narron spoke with reporters after the game, while holding up an uncontrollably giggling Josh Hamilton.

"I'd be very surprised if Josh Hamilton's unusual demeanor tonight is indicative of anything - Josh, what is so goddamned funny?"

"I was just thinking," said Hamilton through clenched teeth, "what is a Mariner anyway?"

Celtics Sign Big Baby for 2 years, $6m

BOSTON, MA - - The Boston Celtics have come to terms to a six-million dollar contract over two years with a large baby. Weighing in at 7 kg at his birthing on Sunday, he has shown strong potential to match up alongside the premier forwards of the game. He will be available to back up Kevin Garnett in 2038.

"We are so lucky to have our little baby boy playing professional baskeeball," the power forward's mother said when questioned for comment. "Yes we are. Yes we are."

The baby and his agent had previously been in talks with the Denver Nuggets, whose scouts had set up their office tents outside of a Denver hospital where they found baby-phenom, LaPhonso Ellis.

Zack & Khalil: A Love Forbidden - Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Zack sat at his locker as his Royals teammates slowly shuffled out of the clubhouse. His right foot tapped furiously on the carpet in anticipation for the moment he'd be left alone.
"Great game today, Zack." remarked a passing Billy Butler.
If only Billy Butler knew how much more complicated life could be. Zack knew. Zack knew better than any one of his teammates.
"Hey Greinke! You da man!" a raucous Joakim Soria shouted as he punched Zack in the back, "You give me eight good innings, I close the game for you."
"That is our arrangement."
"Eh? I never know what you saying man! Don't party too hard now, drive safe." Soria imparted this advice to him every night.
Zack would not be attending a party tonight, but he would be driving.
As the last trainer departed the clubhouse for the night, Zack finally had the room to himself. He reached into his locker, under a pile of Sports Illustrated and Maxim. He pulled out his cell phone, his second cell phone. When he powered it on he was swiftly flooded by seven voicemails and 24 text messages, all marked urgent. He already knew who they were from.
Zack decided to bypass the messages and call back immediately. The phone was picked up on the other end mid-first ring.
"What took you so long? Don't you know I've been dying here?" Khalil was in one of his moods again.
"This is the first chance I've had all day. I'm sorry, I've been busy."
"You're tired of me, I can tell."
"Don't say that, it's not true."
Zack had learned not to fall for one of Khalil's temper tantrums. The best thing was to just let it pass.
"Listen Khalil, I'm leaving for St. Louis right now. I'll be there in about three or four hours."
"I've been alone all day. I'm going crazy over here."
"Let me call you back in five minutes, we'll talk the whole time I'm driving."
"Okay. Hurry though."
Zack hung up and took a deep breath. He couldn't remember what his life was like before Khalil Greene took it over. It wasn't always like this though. He used to be the one emoting on the phone. He couldn't leave Khalil now.


For Chapter 2 of Zack & Khalil: A Love Forbidden click here.