ARLINGTON, TX - Redeemed slugger Josh Hamilton was spotted last Sunday sitting by himself in the corner of the Rangers dugout, wearing sunglasses and constantly chewing gum during a game against the Seattle Mariners. The rehabilitated star allowed ample space between himself and his closest teammate.
"At first I didn't think anything of it," said teammate Ian Kinsler, "but then he seemed a little anxious when I asked him what he knew about [Mariners starter] Ian Snell.
"He kept trying to explain one thing to me, and then he would go off on a tangent about how Snell used to be on the Pirates and how he likes PNC Park, because it has that yellow bridge...something along those lines."
In Hamilton's first plate appearance he drew a walk, but was picked off at first base without a dive. On his way back to the dugout, he was overheard crying softly to himself and repeating the phrase, "I'm such a fucking idiot. I'm such a fucking idiot."
In the top of the fifth inning with his team in the field, Texas manager Ron Washington noticed his center fielder periodically eating what looked like Funyuns.
"I started just watching Josh, and every few minutes he would reach into his pocket, but he would make it part of some larger gesture like he was stretching. Sure enough, a few seconds later he would put something in his mouth."
After striking out in the seventh inning, Hamilton was seen drinking two cans of Diet Coke before the end of the inning. According to teammates, the Home Run Derby champion's mood seemed to be lifted following the caffeine boost.
"Josh Hamilton? That guy is hilarious!" Outfielder Andruw Jones said of his teammate, "Today he asked me about how I spell my name, he said 'Why do you need the W?' I've been telling people about that all day."
Catcher Jarrod Saltalamacchia had a less jovial outlook on his teammate's behavior.
"I walked by him in the clubhouse, just passed him and the guy starts saying my last name out loud. But repeating and over enunciating it. Like Sal-ta-la-MACH-ia, SALT-alamachia, saltalamaCHIA. That's just obnoxious."
Special assignment coach and accountability partner Johnny Narron spoke with reporters after the game, while holding up an uncontrollably giggling Josh Hamilton.
"I'd be very surprised if Josh Hamilton's unusual demeanor tonight is indicative of anything - Josh, what is so goddamned funny?"
"I was just thinking," said Hamilton through clenched teeth, "what is a Mariner anyway?"
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