Thursday, December 31, 2009

Jason Bay, and a Brief History of "Met-amorphosis"

Free agent Jason Bay agreed to terms with the New York Mets Tuesday on a four year contract worth $66 million. This latest signing marks the latest in a history of Mets' acquisitions that ushered in a new era of lameness in a once exciting player's career.

Below is a recent history of what I am dubbing Met-amorphosis; New York Mets acquisitions and the resulting hype windfall of each player concerned.

2008: Fresh off of setting the single season saves record the previous season, free agent closer Francisco Rodriguez signed a three year/$37 million contract with the Mets, and began the part of his career where no one wants to talk about him.

2008: Two-time Cy Young Award winner Johan Santana was acquired through a trade, and then signed to six year/$137.5 million contract with the Mets. At the time of the signing, fans everywhere were thrilled that a large market team was able to come to terms with one of the premier players in the game.

2005: After a postseason in which he tied the record for most postseason home runs, Carlos Beltran sold his soul to the Mets for 7 years and $119 million. The signing brought him riches and fame beyond his wildest dreams, but at the cost of a debilitating injury every 2-3 months for the life of the contract.

2005: After pitching for the first World Champion Red Sox team since that was the correct spelling of "socks", Pedro Martinez signed a 4 year/$53 million contract with the Mets. The former phenom had a strong first season with New York, but sat out large portions of each subsequent season, hampered with constant injuries. This is also when Pedro got fat, and this fact cannot be overlooked.

Some other notable candidates for this designation: Tom Glavine, Carlos Delgado, and Luis Castillo (never that exciting to begin with, but still).

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Third Grader Despised for Ignorance of Baseball Record


OSHKOSH, WI - Third grade student Donny Stubbs was abused and shunned by his peers Tuesday after incorrectly guessing the all time home run record holder. The eight year old boy, yearning to fit in, conjectured that Babe Ruth held the record.

Classmate Kevin McFeely was quick to scold the ignorant Stubbs. "It's Barry Bonds, and then it's Hank Aaron, and then Babe Ruth, faggot."

Donny Stubbs then claimed to have known about Barry Bonds, and that his Babe Ruth guess was a response to a question he thought he was being asked. This explanation was met with further degradation to his masculinity and intelligence.

"I'll probably start following sports more closely from now on," Stubbs contemplated to no one in particular during afternoon recess, "That could come in handy."