Sunday, May 1, 2011

Memphis Grizzlies Dying for Rudy Gay's Return

Rudy Gay's teammates can't wait to have him back.

MEMPHIS, TN - Injured Grizzly Rudy Gay is more excited than anyone by his team's unexpected playoff run, and he can't wait to reclaim his minutes next season. The Grizzlies, who shocked the basketball world by upsetting the top-seeded San Antonio Spurs in round one of 2011 NBA Playoffs, have enjoyed unprecedented success with their franchise cornerstone Rudy Gay sidelined by injury.

The feeling is mutual among Gay's fellow Grizzlies. A sincere Mike Conley lamented, "Before Rudy got sidelined, I was an afterthought in this league. Now I'm a core piece of a postseason juggernaut. So of course I can't wait for Rudy to come back. We're not the same team without him."

Zach Randolph, enjoying his own emergence as a top tier player in Gay's absence, appreciates how his teammate has contributed in other ways during his absence from the court. "Nothing gets our team more amped during a game than seeing Rudy in the stands, dressed to the nines. Man, that guy cleans up good. When he's ready to play again, I'll sure miss seeing him all dapper like that."

Recently surging guard Tony Allen is as eager as anyone to see Rudy Gay reinstated in the Grizzlies rotation. "Can't wait," he deadpanned at a recent press conference.

"I'm a competitor, so it kills me to see my team playing so well without me," Gay told SFF reporters. "All I want to do is get back on the court and lead our guys back to the promised land, most likely around 9th or 10th place."

Saturday, March 12, 2011

AJ Hawk Locked Out of Lambeau Field, Car

GREEN BAY, WS - The NFL lock-out commenced Saturday putting the 2011 season and the remainder of Green Bay Packer AJ Hawk's afternoon in jeopardy. Along with every NFL player, Hawk is no longer welcome in any NFL team facilities. Unfortunately for Hawk, he left his car keys in his locker just before labor negotiations dissolved.

As of this report, Hawk has failed to find any alternate entrances or scalable fences in order to regain access to Lambeau Field.

Earlier this year, bitter contract negotiations with AAA resulted in the Hawk canceling his subscription to the roadside service for 2011. According to sources familiar with the negotiations, the two sides could not come to an agreement on the number of complimentary tows Hawk would receive annually.

"Hopefully the Players Union and the owners can come to some sort of agreement in a reasonable time-frame," Hawk lamented to reporters, "otherwise my whole day is shot."

Friday, March 11, 2011

Editorial: American Football, American Life

by Alex Kavutskiy

I remember Autumn in the suburbs. The leaves changing colors, the back-to-school sales, the football. My brother and I used to run plays in the backyard against the old man. He seemed to be ten times our size. When it was his turn, he would just run it in for a touchdown with the two of us clinging to his arms. He'd do a celebration dance and we'd scream and scream, "No fair! No fair!"

Now it's Autumn in the city. Not a lot of trees in the business district where I live. Nothing exciting about going back for another year of law school. But I still have football. When the season starts, even on the worst of days, I can always kick back with a beer and watch the game.

I don't play football with my family anymore. In fact, I hardly even talk to them anymore. My brother is a stranger to me, and my father, well, we don't have much to say to each other. "How's school? How's the job?". That's the extent of our phone conversations. But during the season, we can talk for hours about our team, the Titans. If Thanksgiving and Christmas weren't during football season, I don't know if I'd ever see him.

The doctors found the tumor last week. Funny enough, it's shaped like a football. And not very funny, it's in my lung and it's inoperable.

Do you remember when Kevin Dyson was tackled at the one-yard-line in 2000? I remember. That was the most painful moment of my life. The one chance the Titans had to win the Super Bowl. That's what it felt like when I found out. Somehow, I felt like I was sneaking around it but it's finally caught up to me, stopping me one yard short. I don't know why I feel that way. Maybe Kevin Dyson does. I'd write him a letter asking, but I'm sure he doesn't need any reminders of what happened.

Football takes courage. Football takes strength. Football takes no prisoners. Now I'm not so sure if I've admired football my whole life or if I've just been terrified of what it represents, of what I don't have.

I found out two weeks ago. I went in for tests because it was getting harder to breath. I kinda feel like I'm running a passing play with no one to pass to.

Some players pass. Some players run. All players eventually die. Pass. Run. Die.

Last week, I coughed up blood. I was making pasta and spewed into the saucepan. I couldn't tell the blood from the tomato sauce. It was part of it. It was part of me. I took the pot and threw it out the window. I fell to the kitchen tile and screamed more blood from my lungs. I passed out.

Sobbing has become a part of my daily routine. I sob on the way to work. I sob in the bathroom at work. I sobbed in traffic on the way home. When I get home, I have no tears left in me.

I removed the mirrors from my apartment. I can't look at myself anymore. I also threw the TV out. The garbage chute is cluttered with the artifacts of my pain.

I couldn't sign in at the doctor the other day because I started chewing my fingernails. I'd never done it before but now I can't seem to stop. I chew until my fingers are all bloody and I've lost all dexterity.

Shaving? Ha. That's something I did before I had cancer.

My fucking asshole neighbor just interrupted me writing this to ask me about the mirrors clogging up the garbage chute. I told him rightly that it was none of his fucking business and he doesn't know me and has no right to accuse me. He said there was a trail of bloody footsteps going straight from the garbage chute to my apartment door. Duh, you immigrant piece of shit, my feet have been bleeding a lot more since I quit wearing shoes and the broken glass in the hallway didn't help any.

Someone on Facebook just said that she's hungry. Who gives a shit? I'm starving. I haven't eaten since the dry noodles from last week's pasta disaster. I've abandoned my family.

I saw an old man, who looked a lot like my grandpa, smoking a cigarette at the bus stop today on the way to my therapist. I've never smoked a cigarette in my life. I've never even taken the bus. I wonder what the bus is like. I wonder what a lot of things are like. I wonder what a lot of things aren't like.

Mike, my therapist, asked me if I was depressed. I didn't answer. I haven't spoken a word to him for our last five sessions. I see him three times a week. He said maybe I'd have an easier time explaining myself if I used sports metaphors since I was a "sports fan". I simply told him that to forgive myself would be like forgiving Kevin Dyson for not legging out another yard. Then I walked out of our session prematurely.

I want to get a touchdown but I'm fumbling. I want to kick a field goal but I'm on my own 40. I wanna watch "Heaven Can Wait" but I only have "Leatherheads". The last one isn't a metaphor. It's a fact. Funny how we see certain things as "facts". As "permanence".

Pass. Run. Die.

Some say Steve McNair was the last, true American hero. I say it's my dad. Too bad I'll never be able to tell him that. We talked on the phone today... about Mike Munchak. The worst part is that I brought it up.

No fair. No fair.

Monday, May 17, 2010

LeBron Signs with Milwaukee for Mid-Level Exception

MILWAUKEE, WI - A grateful LeBron James inked a deal worth over $5 million over one year with the Milwaukee Bucks Sunday. Looking to add depth at the small forward position behind Carlos Delfino, the Bucks took a chance on James. The signing ends the mild speculation surrounding where the reigning MVP's next NBA stop would be.

"I like his athleticism, and his ability to post up and take the outside shot," said James' new head coach Scott Skiles in a text message to Sports Fan Fiction. "We hope LeBron will be able to adapt to our style of play and find a niche for himself with the team ;)"

Prior to the announcement on the Bucks' website, it was unclear whether there would be a market for the free agent James. Rumors circulated involving New York or Chicago offering James a one-year, incentive-laden contract. Some sources even reported the Cavaliers being intrigued by the idea of re-signing the seven year forward.

James, 25, expressed his excitement about playing for his new club. "I just hope I can make a contribution to this team. I can't wait to get on the court and learn as much as I can from Brandon Jennings."

Friday, May 14, 2010

Eric Byrnes Cut From Friends' Softball Team

MENLO PARK, CA -- Two weeks after being released by the Seattle Mariners, former MLB outfielder Eric Byrnes suffered another major setback to his career Thursday night when he was cut from the Dutch Goose sponsored Menlo Park softball team. The team was organized by close friends of the once-good hitter, and they took a chance by signing the now-bad hitter. Byrnes was notified of his release at the Dutch Goose bar following Thursday's loss when the free-swinger struck out 6 times, a team record.

Despite reaching the end of his once-promising baseball career, a delusional Byrnes continues to retain a positive attitude about his situation.

"I hear the Chipotle team in Palo Alto needs a fourth outfielder," Byrnes said with a California smile. "You know, they're only a few games out of first place."

Byrnes is still owed a $50 league-fee refund from the Dutch Goose organization.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell Candidates 2010

"Who is Rommie Lewis?"

BUY! LF Delmon Young - MIN - 9% owned - People seem to have forgotten about this number 1 pick. He was number 1 for a reason: He has all the tools. He only hit 14 home runs last year, but he only had 395 at bats! That's only 40 more than Pirates' utility-man Delwyn Young. And Delwyn Young hit .266. Delmon hit .284. Of the Youngs, only Michael had a better batter average last year. Drop your starting left fielder and pick him up immediately.

SELL! SP Roy Halladay - PHI - 99% owned - The Cy Younger was traded to Philadelphia over the offseason and I'm skeptical that he can reproduce the numbers of his last 8 seasons as a Blue Jay. The impact of moving from such a clean, utopian metropolis to the dirty diggs of Philly can have a negative effect on the pitcher. His career 3.23 ERA at the Rogers Center is drastically better than his career ERA of 3.64 in other stadiums. I'll take a 3.23 pitcher 1st any day, but a 3.64 pitcher? No Way! I'm going to get a few skeptics out there who will ignore me and pay good money for Halladay to anchor their fantasy rotation this year. I, however, am gonna take a holiday on the ace this year.

BUY! 1B Albert Pujols - STL - 99% owned - For those of you who don't know, Albert Pujols may be the best hitter in baseball. If you pass on him, you might be passing on the easy road to a fantasy league victory. He was scratched in a recent Spring Training game due to back stiffness. Take advantage of fidgety fantasy owners who see this as a sign of an injury-riddled season. However this may be an omen of good things to come. If you take a look at his career stats you'll see that the least amount of games he's ever played in a season was 149. In that year he hit a career-high 49 home runs. He's a machine who doesn't miss games and the less games the guy plays, the more home runs he hits! What're you sitting around for? Get this guy on your team!

BUY! RP Rommie Lewis - TOR - 0% owned - I know what you're thinking. "Who is Rommie Lewis?" I'll tell you who he is: sleeper closer candidate of the year candidate! He's so unheard of, he's not even available in the waiver wire yet. But the guy is leading the MLB Spring Training in saves with 2. And closer candidates Kevin Gregg (5.40 Spring ERA) and Jason Frasor (8.31) aren't putting up too much of a fight. Drop that platooner you have at the bottom of the bench and pick up Rommie as soon as he's available.

Brook Close to Being Worst Son of All Time

by Brook Lopez's Mother

My son Brook is on thin ice. All he needs to do is pick up the phone and call me once by the end of the season to avoid being the worst son of all time. Considering how often he has remembered to call me lately though, I doubt he'll avoid that dreaded moniker.

I suppose Brook is too busy to remember to call his mother 3,000 miles away. I see him on television doing his dunks and what have you. Sometimes though, all he does is sit on the bench with a towel over his face. First of all, the cameraman can't see his handsome face if he hides it. Second, while he's doing nothing at all would it kill him to pick up the phone and call his mother?

Who used to always drive him to basketball practice? Who used to do his laundry so he always had a clean uniform (even though he already knew how to do it himself)? Who paid for his tuition at Stanford, even though a certain someone dropped out after his freshman year? And who reminded him to register for the NBA Draft?

I'll tell you who: me.

And let me tell you another thing, being an NBA mom is a thankless job. Imagine having two sons who are both seven feet tall come home every summer and do nothing but eat and lay around the house all day. Someone has to clean up after them. Someone has to shop to find clothes that still fit them.

I would expect this kind of behavior from Robin, but not Brook.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Mark Teixeira: "These Are My Last 8 Years As A Yankee"

TAMPA, FLA -- All-star first-baseman Mark Teixeira's days in New York may be numbered. Teixeira arrived at the first day of Spring Training at the George Steinbrenner complex in Tampa and promptly told reporters that these would be his final eight years in pinstripes.

"I'm glad to be back on the field, but it's hard not to feel the tension in the air. It seems like my contract situation is on everyone's mind. I don't want to be a distraction, so I just want to address the issue and clear the air," an aging Teixeira told a group of reporters on the field. "These are my last eight years as a Yankee and I just want to have fun and enjoy it while it lasts."

Teixeira, 30, will turn 38 in the final year of his contract with the Yankees and there is question of what his plans are beyond that.

"You can't take everything Tex says seriously," Yankees skipper Girardi said in defense of the slugger at the end of the practice. "That's just Mark being Mark."

Friday, February 12, 2010

Kevin Durant Naïvely Practices for All-Star Game

DALLAS, TX - First time All-Star Kevin Durant was seen practicing in the gym for hours in preparation for Sunday's showcase of the league's most popular players. The third year forward ran sprints, went through vigorous defensive drills, and shot 200 free throws leading up to what he described as "the most important game of [his] life."

At one point in his rigorous session, Durant twisted his ankle and had to be helped off the gymnasium floor. However ten minutes and a roll of Ace bandages later, the young forward was running up and down the court again. Later he saw fellow All-Star Carmelo Anthony rehearsing a 360 alley-oop with Jason Kidd on an adjacent court. "That's fine," Durant commented, "as long as they don't plan on trying that in the real game."

"I don't want to let the fans down," Durant said while soaking in a tub of ice water, "they expect to see a well played game of basketball. NBA fans are discerning, and would never sit through a lackluster spectacle."

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Editorial: Not Impressed With Basketball

by Alex Kavutskiy

Basketball?! Not impressed.

I've been a hardcore sports fan my whole life. If there's a sport, I'm a fan of it. Last week, my friend Kenneth introduced me to basketball and I gotta say... not a fan. Call me old-fashioned, but to me, sports are about teamwork and passion and strength (both of heart and body of course!) but basketball, not only has none of these qualities, it doesn't even have any of these qualities!

Maybe you'll send me an e-mail and maybe you call me Al and your email will read, "Al, what do you mean basketball doesn't have teamwork? It's a team sport!" Thanks for the e-mail but team sport, my ass. It only has 5 players! Football has 25! Rugby has 40! The more the players in play, the better. But if you can't get 62 players on the field like baseball, the next best solution is having less players. Take doubles tennis or chess. Both of those sports require 2 or 1 team members, respectively. Is it a coincidence both of those sports are better than basketball? No.

Fools and philosophers alike could suggest that basketball requires a lot of passion. So does shitting but it doesn't make it stink any less. Some would say basketball requires a lot of strength (both of heart and body) but others would say that it doesn't.

Let's go over some basic rules of basketball. First, you have to dribble the ball (I know it sounds stupid but this is what these people actually believe). Second, you gotta throw the ball to pass or shoot (Wow. Throwing the ball. Real original. First sport to ever THROW a BALL). Third, if you throw the ball into a basket you get points. The more points, the better. Sometimes you get 2 points and sometimes you get 3 but sometimes you get only 1. You don't get any points if you miss. Most basketball players are too busy learning all these complicated rules and don't have time to play. I like it when players slam-dunk the ball.

Some of the most famous basketball players are Kobe Bryant, Michael Jordan, Tyrese, and Vince Carter. My favorite out of those is Michael Jordan. He is the best basketball player that has ever lived. Kobe Bryant is pretty good, too. I also like Shaq.

In conclusion, basketball: friend or foe? Fact or fiction? We've been asking these questions for too long. It's time to get some answers. Post your comments whether you think basketball is either terrible or horrible. Why do you feel the way you do? Post your answers below. You can also shoot me an e-mail with any further concerns at But please don't call me Al.

Oh, and have you guys heard of soccer? Fuck that!

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Professor Oden Shows Up at Beta Kappa Party

COLUMBUS, OH - Reinstated Ohio State professor and former number one draft pick, Dr. Gregory Oden recently made a surprise appearance at a sorority party at the Beta Kappa house. Although he never received a formal invitation, the tenured educator decided "the kids would get a kick out of seeing [him]."

After his three daughters had gone to sleep, Oden reportedly told his wife that he had left some papers he needed to grade in his office and that he would be back in about two hours. The professor then changed into a t-shirt and dungarees, an ensemble he had purchased earlier that day.

Oden's appearance was met with a mixed reaction from the party's other attendants. Kailee Tampson (pictured left) was enthusiastic upon seeing her kinesiology professor drop by for the festivities. "He's like totally a cool guy outside of class. And so tall!"

Jordan Glazer, a sophomore, was surprised and disappointed to see the seven foot faculty member at an otherwise student function. "It's pathetic. Why is he here? Stay home old man."

Oden ignored his naysayers, taking part in youthful activities such as a keg stand and date rape. Eventually a noise complaint was lodged and the party dispersed. One of the last to leave, Oden silently pulled into his own driveway in neutral at 3:30 AM. His wife and children already asleep, the middle aged former NBA center ate leftovers and fell asleep to SportsCenter.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Top 10 Knee Surgeries of the Past Half-Decade

With Blake Griffin's knee going under the knife and all the frustrated groans heard around Los Angeles, I felt it was appropriate for our only top 10 list for the end of the decade. Though mostly free-associative, I pretty much based this list on a number of factors including how much the player was paid going into the knee surgery, how much the player was expected to help the team win before the surgery, and how much the player was able to rehabilitate himself after the injury.

10. Alfonso Soriano 2009
Used to be a 30 home run, 30 steals player. Then he started hitting more home runs and stopped stealing bases. His knees got worse, and lately hasn't been hitting much at all. Knee surgery. RIP Alfonso Soriano 1976-2009.

9. Greg Oden 2007
Like Griffin, Oden was taken first overall and never played a game in his first season. Maybe it's the every other year 1st pick, bad knees draft curse. The Blazers took Oden over Kevin Durant. Durant is now among the top 5 all-stars in the league. Oden goes out for season every season because of his shitty knees. Never draft a guy who's got the face of a 45 year old; he probably has the knees of a 45 year old.

8. Matt Stafford - 2009
The Lions counted on Stafford to save the franchise. He rewarded them with a subpar season ended early with knee surgery.

7. Andrew Bynum - 2008
Drew was having a breakout season when he knocked knees with Lamar Odom in 2008. He was averaging a double-double, slamming down alley-oops, and playing with a ferocity Los Angeles hadn't seen before. He was finally living up to his potential when he went down. The worst thing about knee surgeries is that you always think they'll come back in 4-6 weeks. And then you wait 5 weeks, 6 weeks, 7 weeks, before they finally say it's hopeless. The Lakers needed Bynum's big man presence badly in the finals against the Celtics and paid the price.

6. Gilbert Arenas 2007
Gilbert's knee problems put a stop to his exponentially rising career as a prolific scorer. He hasn't been himself since and has turned to guns. The Wizards are in shambles and it's all thanks to our old friend knee surgery.

5. Brandon Inge 2009
Both knees!?

4. Kevin Garnett 2009
The Celtics lost Garnett late in the season going into the 2009 playoffs. Without their best guy, all hope for a repeat was lost for Boston and they allowed Dwight Howard to laugh all the way to the finals. He's come back with his lowest MPG, APG, PPG, and RPG numbers since his rookie season

3. Carson Palmer 2006
A highlight in the history of knee surgeries. In only his second year, Palmer took the Bengals to the playoffs. On the first play of the game, he was slammed by Oelhoffen of the Steelers. The doctor told everyone that the injury to his knee was "devastating and potentially career-ending". There's a whole article here about how severe the injury was: Palmer would come back the next year without any problems.

2. Kobe Bryant 2007
This was a great knee surgery. He had problems with his knee throughout the 2006 season, but he played on it, got the surgery in the offseason, and was ready to go in time for the regular season. His knee has not been a problem since, and he keeps getting better.

1. Tom Brady 2008
Tom Brady meant everything to New England. And it only took one game for all of the Patriots fans to see it all go up in flames. Big heartbreaker. However, he comes back next season and throws for a classic Tom Brady 4,000+ yards and 28 touchdowns.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Gilbert Arenas Hopeful he is Dreaming

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In light of his indefinite suspension from the NBA after a locker room incident involving multiple handguns, distraught Wizards guard Gilbert Arenas expressed that he is still hoping this has all been a bad dream. The former All Star, whose remaining $90 million on his contract may be terminated, unless he fell asleep on a flight during the 2006-2007 season and the last three turbulent years have been a dream.

The mercurial point guard began to suspect he might be dreaming when he found himself pointing a handgun at a teammate of whom he did not even know the name. Arenas' life rapidly fell apart in the ensuing days, and the surreal nature of these events lead him to believe that this was not the real world.

At a press conference Thursday following his suspension, Arenas toyed with the concept that everything he was experiencing was not real, including the reporters present.

"You guys are probably just amalgams of reporters I've talked to in the past. It would make a lot of sense if this were a dream. The handguns probably represent my shooting ability, and David Stern represents my father, and the suspension represents my fear of getting suspended."

Arenas then brought up the heady concept of lucid dreaming.

"I saw in a movie that if you think you're dreaming you should try to adjust the light levels in a room. If you can't turn the lights on and off, you're dreaming," Arenas posited as he walked over to the light switch on the wall. "Damn it."

Update: Bill Hall Runs Into Ex-Wife in Boston

Hall, right, with then-wife Cheryl and then-best friend Matthew

BOSTON, MA -- Bill Hall had just gotten off his flight in Boston when he ran into his ex-wife, Cheryl at the airport. After an awkward hug and saccharin smiles, Bill and his wife asked each other what they were doing in Boston. Bill told her that he'd just been traded to the Red Sox and Cheryl said that she lives in the city now and is waiting for a flight to Hawaii.

Bill told her she looked great. Cheryl asked him how he was doing. Bill asked about the kids when Matthew, Bill Hall's best friend in Milwaukee, showed up behind Cheryl with the two kids, wearing a hawaiian shirt and khaki pants. The kids were shy around their biological father and clung to Matthew's leg. Matthew, who looks a lot like former Milwaukee outfielder Jeromy Burnitz, asked the same questions that Cheryl had politely asked Bill just a few moments before.

Bill shook the hands of everyone in the family before embarking on starting his life over once again.