Gilbert Arenas Hopeful he is Dreaming

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In light of his indefinite suspension from the NBA after a locker room incident involving multiple handguns, distraught Wizards guard Gilbert Arenas expressed that he is still hoping this has all been a bad dream. The former All Star, whose remaining $90 million on his contract may be terminated, unless he fell asleep on a flight during the 2006-2007 season and the last three turbulent years have been a dream.

The mercurial point guard began to suspect he might be dreaming when he found himself pointing a handgun at a teammate of whom he did not even know the name. Arenas' life rapidly fell apart in the ensuing days, and the surreal nature of these events lead him to believe that this was not the real world.

At a press conference Thursday following his suspension, Arenas toyed with the concept that everything he was experiencing was not real, including the reporters present.

"You guys are probably just amalgams of reporters I've talked to in the past. It would make a lot of sense if this were a dream. The handguns probably represent my shooting ability, and David Stern represents my father, and the suspension represents my fear of getting suspended."

Arenas then brought up the heady concept of lucid dreaming.

"I saw in a movie that if you think you're dreaming you should try to adjust the light levels in a room. If you can't turn the lights on and off, you're dreaming," Arenas posited as he walked over to the light switch on the wall. "Damn it."

Update: Bill Hall Runs Into Ex-Wife in Boston

Hall, right, with then-wife Cheryl and then-best friend Matthew

BOSTON, MA -- Bill Hall had just gotten off his flight in Boston when he ran into his ex-wife, Cheryl at the airport. After an awkward hug and saccharin smiles, Bill and his wife asked each other what they were doing in Boston. Bill told her that he'd just been traded to the Red Sox and Cheryl said that she lives in the city now and is waiting for a flight to Hawaii.

Bill told her she looked great. Cheryl asked him how he was doing. Bill asked about the kids when Matthew, Bill Hall's best friend in Milwaukee, showed up behind Cheryl with the two kids, wearing a hawaiian shirt and khaki pants. The kids were shy around their biological father and clung to Matthew's leg. Matthew, who looks a lot like former Milwaukee outfielder Jeromy Burnitz, asked the same questions that Cheryl had politely asked Bill just a few moments before.

Bill shook the hands of everyone in the family before embarking on starting his life over once again.

Why The Utah Jazz Team from Celtic Pride Could, and Did Win the NBA Finals

1. Lewis Scott is the best player in the NBA. Period. If you're a scoring machine like Scott, you don't need to pass the potato. Your supporting cast is only there to give Scott some court space and play mediocre defense to keep the other, all-white team in the game in a conspiracy to give the illusion that Utah Jazz have any chance of losing with a player like Lewis Scott on their team.

2. Lurch is simply the team's Hasheem Thabeet. Although only about a head taller than Scott, he is a fierce competitor, a Charles Barkley type. The GM of the Jazz thought he would develop and give Scott a legitimate low-post threat to get offensive rebounds (in the highly unlikely scenario that Scott misses a shot) and then immediately pass back to Scott. He is a rookie though, and he needs more time to develop, but with Scott out, they'll have to play a new style that would accommodate a conservative, defense and rebound oriented, efficient style of basketball. The hopes of actually winning a game without Scott are ludicrous, but he'll be back in time for game 7 thank god.

3. The bad blood going on within the team only contributes to the competitive fire that has taken them to where they are thus far.

3a. The main guy on the Celtics who always dunks is a basketball extra that you see in any basketball scene in any movie in the 90's. I think he was one of the guys in Cable Guy.

4. Coach Christopher McDonald, though hot tempered, has a really, really, really good system. He's also really good at golf.

5. Chris McCarthy also had tickets to the final game.

Why the Utah Jazz Team from Celtic Pride Could Not Have Won the NBA Finals

1. Lewis Scott (Damon Wayans) is their star, referred to several times as the best player in the NBA. However he literally never passes. When he passes to a teammate during the 4th quarter of Game 7, Bill Walton reacts as if the act is a revelation in Scott's game. So the best player in the league has zero career assists, and at the same time has carried his team all the way to the Finals.

2. Apparently the Jazz only have five players who their coach considers qualified to play any minutes. When Lewis Scott goes AWOL, Utah's Croatian sixth man Lurch tries to convince the coach to give him a chance. Lurch is completely inept, missing dunks in practice and causing his coach to declare that he hates his life. At first I presumed that Lurch was the team's worst player, but as game time approaches and Scott still hasn't shown, Lurch is plugged into the starting lineup. The coach screams at him to just stand under the basket and rebound. So a team with absolutely no bench production is on the cusp of a World Championship.

3. Not only does Utah have no bench, they also have no secondary stars to Lewis Scott. Instead his teammates are an assortment of two dimensional characters who all hate him. So he has no moral support and he never passes, yet he is about to win a championship. Actually Scott had to be the best player in the NBA, probably the best of all time.

3a. The Celtics team in Celtic Pride could not have won their conference either. They appear to be five white guys who are all the same height. They also have no identity, basically extras in Celtics uniforms. None of them ever say anything important or establish any characteristics. Come to think of it, pretty much everyone on the floor except for Lurch seems completely indifferent to playing in the Finals.

Bills' LB Pozluszny Rents Leatherheads on Blu-Ray, Really Enjoys It

BUFFALO, NY -- Buffalo Bills' Middle Linebacker Paul Pozluszny got more than he bargained for when he went to Hollywood Video with his girlfriend on Tuesday night.

"Clooney in top form!" Pozluzny exclaimed to teammate Jairus Byrd before practice the next morning. "He was perfect. And I love Krasinski from the Office, but I thought that he could only play Jim. Boy was I wrong! I didn't even want to see a movie about football. But my girlfriend really wanted to see it because she likes that [Zellwegger] chick. But I was like 'Babe, you know, I have to deal with football every day.' You know, I usually just wanna see movies like The Departed. That was a good movie. I'm glad [Scorsese] finally won an Oscar. He should've won for Raging Bull, my all-time favorite movie. But yeah, you should see it Jai. Oh, but make sure you get it on Blu-Ray. I can't imagine seeing it any other way. The picture really jumps. Oh man, the football scenes are really good. Even though it's a comedy, they really captured the brutality of the game. The sound was really good. I could feel every tackle. And they didn't have much equipment back then like we do now. They had leather helmets. OH! That's why it's called Leatherheads! Wow!" Paul chuckled to himself in disbelief in the empty locker room.

Brett Favre Announces Retirement After Final Game of Season

MINNESOTA, MIN - Following the final game of the season on Sunday, Brett Favre once again announced his retirement from professional football.

A reporter asked the quarterback if he was mentally prepared going into the playoffs and Favre responded with, "It's funny you should ask that..." Favre went on to announce that he is hanging up his jersey for the third time.

"Believe me, I want to continue play football. It's all I know. But sometimes your body just tells you that you can't take another snap. And sometimes you just have to listen, no matter how your team is doing," Favre solemnly stated to the disinterested media. "I thought I could make it through one more season, though not 100 percent, and I did. I'm looking forward to watching the guys on television with my family."

The future hall-of-famer went on to say that he wouldn't rule out a comeback in time for the post-season before bidding one more tearful goodbye.