Editorial: Yeah, Baseball's Pretty Cool

By Alex Kavutskiy

I can't imagine hitting a tiny ball that’s being thrown really fast. That's why baseball players are my heroes. Baseball is so awesome! After you hit the ball, you have to run around the bases and score but don’t let the other team get you or you're OUT! It’s America’s pastime…but it’s also America’s FUTURE time! The umpires are great and fair. They make sure nothing bad happens. I like shortstop, ya know, shortstop. It’s between second and third base, where all the action happens. Sometimes, when all the bases are loaded, you gotta hit a grand slam and score all the runs to win the game. It is really hard to play because between every time you’re at bat, the OTHER team is at bat! They’re good too so you gotta make sure they don’t score points on you or you’re OUT!

My favorite player is Mark Maguire. No, Babe Ruth! Babe Ruth was called the Boss but he wasn’t bossy, he was nice. And he was really great at baseball. Players play for baseball teams and the teams play against each other. Whoever wins gets points. The commission adds up the points and sees which two teams will face off in the World Series. It’s so exciting for the fans but it’s really scary for the players. Whoever wins gets to be the best that year and then the cycle starts all over again. Sometimes, players get traded and that’s confusing. One year you play for this team and then you play for THAT team. I just can’t keep track.

Going to the baseball game is so fun. You get to eat. I like when they hit fly balls. That’s my chance to catch a ball too. Sometimes, I can’t go to a game and that makes me sad. But sometimes I can go and that makes me happy!

So that’s why I think baseball is pretty cool and we can all learn from baseball. But be careful. Three strikes and you’re OUT!

Luis Castillo Officially Best Hitter on Mets

NEW YORK, NY - Mets third baseman and franchise cornerstone David Wright left the game Saturday after being struck on the helmet by a Matt Cain fastball, leaving 33 year-old Luis Castillo as the most competent hitter in the lineup.

Luis Castillo, who recently went unrecognized while dining at a crowded Manhattan steak house, is hitting for a respectable .300 through August 14. Castillo also leads his team in batting average, hits, runs, walks, and on base percentage.

The New York Mets, with the highest payroll in the NL at 149m, have been decimated by injuries in 2009. They will now have the 13-year veteran infielder to thank for any offensive production.

"Really?" inquired a visibly surprised Castillo upon being informed of his status as the Mets' main offensive juggernaut, "You sure about that one? What about...oh yeah I guess so."

Quentin Richardson Living Out of Suitcase

"I hate to settle in just to find out that I've been traded again."

MEMPHIS, LOS ANGELES, MINNEAPOLIS, MIAMI - According to multiple sources, NBA journeyman Quentin Richardson has held no permanent residence this off-season and has been living out of his suitcase.

"I hate to get settled in just to find out that I've been traded again." Richardson said in a phone interview.

Richardson, who previously played for the Phoenix Suns before a 2005 trade that sent him to the New York Knicks, was traded on June 25 to the Memphis Grizzlies in exchange for Darko Milicic. Upon hearing the news, Richardson flew to Memphis, checked into a Marriott hotel and began house hunting.

Less than a month later Richardson was on the move again, this time being traded to the Los Angeles Clippers in exchange for Zach Randolph.

"'Wow, it's the second time I've been traded this off-season. This must be unprecedented,'" Richardson mused at the time, "L.A. is where I've always wanted to be though. I'd like to retire as a Clipper."

Richardson flew to California, and planned to stay with friends while he began drafting plans to build his dream home in L.A. Before he could get approval from the zoning board however, word came down three days later that the Clippers had shipped Richardson to the Timberwolves, in exchange for Sebastian Telfair, Mark Madsen, and Craig Smith.

The jet-lagged swingman was reached for an interview the next day, speaking to the media via the Holiday Inn Express's front desk phone. "Wow, three trades in a month. At least I know I'll be a mainstay here in Minnesota."

On August 12, the newly settled sharpshooter bought a mansion in nearby St. Paul. Richardson also bought a new winter wardrobe to prepare for his new frigid climate.

"It's been a hectic off-season for me, but I'm finally warming up to the idea of playing many years for the T-Wolves," Richardson told reporters from his new home, "hold on I've got call waiting...why would Pat Riley be calling me?"

Failures in Viral Marketing

From this I learned that the people who write on Shaq's wall are not the same people that like humorous sports blogs. Maybe Shaq sees it though, tweets about it, and then we get a million hits. The first one is the best.

Bill Hall Gets Designated for Assignment, Divorce

MILWAUKEE, WI - Hours after the Milwaukee Brewers decided to cut ties with Bill Hall, the third baseman's wife of two years made a similar decision.

On Wednesday morning, when Hall had arrived for practice, manager Ken Macha called the underperforming infielder into the front office to inform him that they were letting him go.

"He said that I didn't understand, that his wife was going to kill him. I told him that it wasn't my decision. Then he quietly cleaned out his locker and left," Macha explained. "I feel sorry for the poor guy, but this is a job like any other. If your headlines were gramatically incorrect, I'm sure you'd get fired too."

Sure enough, Bill's wife, name withheld, filed for divorce Thursday afternoon. Hall has since been seen in taverns across West Milwaukee, where he has frequently told bartenders how much he misses his wife and children, his job, and his house.

After hitting 35 home runs in 2006, Hall has only hit a combined total of 35 home runs since.

Zack & Khalil: A Love Forbidden - Chapter 2

For Chapter 1 of Zack & Khalil: A Love Forbidden click here.

Chapter 2
Zack Greinke pulled up to Khalil Greene's St. Louis studio four hours later. Khalil had fallen asleep on the phone not long into the drive.
"I'm here." the Royals ace whispered as he knelt down to the shortstop's resting head. "I'm just going to brush my teeth."
"Why did you wake me? I was having the strangest dream. I was still on the Padres, and Brain Giles - do you know Brian Giles?"
"I know of him." replied Zack from the bathroom.
"I was taking batting practice and Brian Giles was just leaning on the cage, watching me. Then he asked me if I ever tried batting lefty. I told him I had never tried, and he kept insisting that I should only bat lefty. It was so weird."
"Mmmhmm." Zack spat out his toothpaste and rinsed.
"That is weird." Zack rolled down his high socks and joined Khalil under the covers.
"Zack, what was my dream about?"
"You and Marcus Giles were taking batting practice."
"It was Brian Giles, Zack. Do you even hear me when I talk to you? Do my thoughts matter to you?" Khalil sat up and lit a cigarettee at the edge of the bed.
"What are you doing? You don't smoke." said Zack, shocked and disturbed.
"I took it up recently. I have nothing to do since I've been on the disabled list with my anxiety disorder. And you're never here. I don't know what you do all day."
"I play baseball. It's my job, you know that."
"What about me, Zack? While you're outside playing all day, I'm stuck inside this lousy apartment not knowing what to do with myself." Khalil stood up and began pacing around the room. Zack was out of ideas, and out of energy.
"Don't you think I miss playing? Two years ago I hit 27 home runs playing half my games in Petco Park. Now look at me!"
Standing in front of Zack was a broken man. Was this the same person who he had been sneaking around with for the last three years? He thought that Khalil's trade to the Cardinals last year would make things easier, but he could tell that Khalil was jealous of his recent success.
"Tony La Russa told me that if I feel like I'm ready to come back, he'll bat me in the 9-hole, after the fucking pitcher!"
"I thought the pitcher often batted eighth in La Russa's lineups." posed Zack.
"Whose side are you on anyway?" snapped Khalil.
"I just think you should try and calm down Khalil. Please come back to bed."
"I think you should leave Zack Greinke. Go on, get out of here!" This wasn't the first time Khalil had thrown him out of his place in the middle of the night, but it would be the last.
"You want me to leave Khalil? Fine. I'm going." Zack got out of bed, put his pants back on and gathered his things. "Don't you dare call me," he added before slamming the door behind him. As Zack continued down the hallway, he thought he heard a faint, "I'm sorry" from the apartment, but it was too late. Hopefully he could make it back to Kansas City before the sun came up.

Tyreke Evans Creates Himself in NBA Live 2009

"Yeah, 98 inside shooting... 97 medium range... I'm not so good at threes... 94," thought Evans as he began editing his attributes.

Fantasy News: Bronson Arroyo Kicking Himself for Picking Up Bronson Arroyo

CINCINATTI, OH - Reds starter Bronson Arroyo regrets picking up free agent SP Bronson Arroyo in his fantasy baseball league this week. Arroyo, who had mistakenly left Wednesday's probable starters sorted by their O-Rank, was encouraged by Bronson Arroyo's recent game log.

"I just figured the Pirates were in town, and they're a pretty weak offensive team," Arroyo explained, "but there's always a risk when you take a flier on a guy like Bronson Arroyo."

According to fantasy league sources, the waiver move destroyed his team WHIPlash's chance at winning ERA or WHIP for the week.

"Needless to say I'm dropping Bronson Arroyo as soon as I get the chance." Arroyo told reporters in the clubhouse after his rough outing, "This was the biggest mistake I made since drafting Willy Tavares in Round 9. Oh hey Willy, how long have you been standing there?"

Phil Jackson, Kurt Rambis No Longer Friends on Facebook

LOS ANGELES, CA - After an unsettling period of angry back-and-forth emailing, Phil Jackson has removed former Lakers assistant coach Kurt Rambis from his friend list on the social networking website Facebook. The move comes just a few days after Rambis accepted a position to be head coach of the Timberwolves and boarded a flight to Minneapolis.

“Kurt really put a dagger in the back of the entire Lakers organization,” Jackson told reporters. “I really thought he and I had an understanding. I thought Kurt was a winner."

When asked how Rambis’ departure has affected some of the players, Jackson went on to say, “The guys are pretty bent out of shape. Yesterday I spoke with Adam Morrison who has been very distraught. Ever since he came over from Charlotte, Kurt's been like a father figure to him. The two of them would go out for ice cream after any game in which Adam contributed offensively.”

Jackson allegedly decided on his course of action late last night and logged onto the website early this morning to carry out the deed. He followed a link directly to his friend list, bypassing all of his notifications entirely, and scrolled down until he found Rambis’s name directly between Jerry Buss and Lamar Odom. Without hesitation, Jackson clicked "Remove from Friends" and proceeded to send Rambis a blank message with the subject heading “Loser."

What Rambis might have seen when checking in on Jackson.

Kurt Rambis has thus far been unattainable for comment on the matter, though Lakers veteran Derek Fisher is not surprised.

“I always thought there was something fishy about Kurt. Ever since I saw him and Kevin Garnett conversing on the court before Game 5 last year, I lost trust in him. I never felt like he bled purple and gold. I think he just bleeds red.”

“In a perfect world, Kurt and I could still be friends,” Jackson concluded. “But in a perfect world I wouldn’t receive an email every time I'm poked by George Karl." Jackson paused for a minute, then added, “Son of a bitch still has my Planet Earth DVDs.”

Report: Vick Signs with Bird Team

PHILADELPHIA, PA -- Vick's agent Joel Segal confirmed reports Thursday afternoon that Michael Vick has agreed to terms on a 1-year deal with bird franchise, the Philadelphia Eagles.

The decision came long after the Falcons made it clear that they were going to move in a different direction and after it had become apparent that the Baltimore Ravens, Arizona Cardinals, and Seattle Seahawks were not interested in signing Vick.

Michael Vick was conditionally reinstated to the NFL, and will be reconsidered for full reinstatement by Week 6. The quarterback, formerly of the Atlanta Falcons, has stated that he would be more than willing to accept a bench role for any bird team in the NFL.

After signing with the Eagles, jailbird Vick tweeted, "I hope to contribute, that's all. I will do what is best for the nest."

Vick will fly into Philadelphia tomorrow to meet with head coach Andy Reid.

Black Youth Hopes to be Obama of MLB Catchers

Robert Swift Dies, We Can All Stop Pretending

OKLAHOMA CITY, OK - Thunder C Robert Swift died Wednesday morning, losing a long battle to Imminent Death Syndrome. Imminent Death Syndrome, or IDS, is a rare disease whose victims are literally on the brink of death for the entirety of their lifespan. Those around the victim want to make his last days rewarding, but are often put in an awkward position when he does not die.

Robert Swift's NBA career began in 2004, when he was drafted 12th overall by the Seattle SuperSonics as part of ESPN's inspiring My Wish series. Swift, who was expected to pass at any minute for the past five years, had been allowed to play off the bench for the Seattle SuperSonics and later the Oklahoma City Thunder.

Robert Swift receives hearty encouragement during a Sonics practice in 2007.

Swift, who averaged 4.3 points and 3.9 rebounds in his career as an honorary NBA player, will be remembered by his teammates as a very special young man.

"I spent a lot of quality time on the bench with Robert," former Thunder teammate Joe Smith had to say, "and he was always so positive, so happy to be alive and playing basketball."

In 2008, the SuperSonics had run out of roster space to accommodate Swift's dying wish to play in the NBA, and commissioner David Stern made a grand gesture by fabricating a new franchise for Robert Swift to play for. Once he knew that Swift was thoroughly distracted in another room, Stern famously held a discreet press conference explaining that "This new fake team [would] be called the Oklahoma City Thunder and [would] simply never play Seattle."

When contacted about Robert Swift's long awaited passing, Suns forward Amar'e Stoudamire expressed his sadness at the news, and had this to say about playing against him. "Every team in the league understood that when you played the Thunder, you didn't have to let them win necessarily, but it would be nice to let Robert have his moment to shine."

The Suns make way for a Robert Swift slam dunk during a 2009 game.

"Now that Robert Swift has finally passed on, naturally the Thunder will be dissolved and the media can begin covering Sonics games again." David Stern said in a press release today, "We will miss Robert dearly, but I'm sure everyone is at least somewhat relieved that we can all stop pretending."

Report: Pitino admits to paying $3,000 for abortion

LOUISVILLE, KY -- NCAA basketball coach Rick Pitino confessed on Wednesday afternoon that he, in fact, did pay $3,000 for an abortion.

"I had no idea it was going to be that much," Pitino said with a remorseful tremor in his voice. "I thought it would be like 500, tops."

Pitino, married with five children, had accused Karen Sypher recently of intent to extort money from him after their love affair in 2003. The Louisville Courier-Journal reported Tuesday that Pitino told police that he did have consensual sex with Sypher and later paid a "dickload of money" for her abortion.

Shaq Challenges Steve Nash to Free Throw Contest for New Reality Show

Self-promotion aficionado and Cavaliers center Shaquille O'Neal has challenged former teammate Steve Nash to a free throw contest for his new reality show Shaq Vs. In the show, Shaq challenges various star athletes to competitions in their own sport.

Nash, a career 90% free throw shooter, remains hesitant to take his charisma-laden former teammate up on his offer. "I love Shaq. I can't wait to see him take on Albert Pujols in a home run derby or Michael Phelps in the pool. I just don't know if there's any way this turns out well."

When asked if perhaps he was biting off more than he could chew, Shaq answered, "Steve Nash can shoot some free throws, but he ain't no match for my delayed wrist flick."

In addition to a free throw contest with Steve Nash, O'Neal is trying to line up one more competition for his show. "I've already gotten in touch with Daniel Day Lewis' people about an acting contest. Come on Daniel, one production of 'Waiting for Godot' and we'll see what the critics have to say."

AJ Hinch sends Justin Upton to DL, takes away XBOX

"He knows what he did." - D-Backs' manager AJ Hinch

PHOENIX, AZ -- The Arizona Diamondbacks have placed 21 year-old right fielder Justin Upton on the DL for "bad behavior".

"He knows what he did," D-Backs' manager AJ Hinch said at a press conference before Thursday night's game, "How long Justin remains on the DL is entirely up to him."

After trying to steal second base without receiving any sign to do so in the ninth inning of Wednesday night's 4-3 win over the Pittsburgh Pirates, Upton was immediately hooked by Hinch and sent to the locker room. After the game, Hinch was seen ripping out wires from behind the television in Upton's locker.

"This is so stupid," said third baseman Mark Reynolds after the incident. "Now none of us can play XBOX."

Trent Oeltjian, an outfielder with good manners, was called up from Triple-AAA to replace Upton.

Verizon: 'No chance' Vick signs with us

ASHBURN, VA -- Another phone corporation has shot down rumors that Michael Vick could sign a wireless service contract with them. A Verizon Wireless representative issued a statement Tuesday that "there is no chance Michael Vick will be using a Verizon phone in the near future."

Former NFL All-Star Vick's contract with T-Mobile was terminated in 2007 when reports surfaced of his involvement in the dog-fighting scandal, and has since been unable to contact anyone without finding a pay phone. Now out of prison after a 22-month sentence, Vick has been looking to start over with a new service.

Vick had previously been rumored to be signing with AT&T and Sprint, but both have since made public statements distancing themselves from the former Falcons quarterback.

Vick will probably look to settle for a landline service. It's been rumored that Vonage has expressed interest in the felon.

Michael Crabtree's Cousin Advises that he Jump off Bridge

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - As negotiations between the 49ers and their first round draft pick Michael Crabtree reached a boiling point Tuesday, the rookie's adviser and cousin made a statement that Crabtree, if necessary, would be willing to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge.

"My cousin-slash-client trusts my advice completely. If I tell him to jump, he asks how high. If I tell him to jump off a bridge, he asks which one."

Crabtree, who has sat out from 49ers training camp due to hostile contract negotiations, said that if the two sides cannot come to terms he will be forced to end his own life.

Rumor: Allen Iverson to start own organization?

According to various AP sources, veteran guard Allen Iverson is filing the paperwork to start his own NBA franchise.

"Allen Iverson only wants to play for Allen Iverson," Iverson was heard on a Chicago radio station Tuesday morning. "Allen Iverson don't want to play for no Larry Brown. Allen Iverson don't want to play for no city of Miami. Allen Iverson don't want to play for nobody but Allen Iverson."

When asked if any personnel or investors have signed on, Iverson responded, "You're looking at him."

It would seem the "Allen Iversons" would play on the courts at Iverson's mansion in Philadelphia if [he] is chosen to be inducted as the NBA's first expansion franchise since the Charlotte Bobcats.

"Allen Iverson," Iverson added.

Josh Hamilton Wears Sunglasses, Chews Gum in Corner of Rangers Dugout

ARLINGTON, TX - Redeemed slugger Josh Hamilton was spotted last Sunday sitting by himself in the corner of the Rangers dugout, wearing sunglasses and constantly chewing gum during a game against the Seattle Mariners. The rehabilitated star allowed ample space between himself and his closest teammate.

"At first I didn't think anything of it," said teammate Ian Kinsler, "but then he seemed a little anxious when I asked him what he knew about [Mariners starter] Ian Snell.

"He kept trying to explain one thing to me, and then he would go off on a tangent about how Snell used to be on the Pirates and how he likes PNC Park, because it has that yellow bridge...something along those lines."

In Hamilton's first plate appearance he drew a walk, but was picked off at first base without a dive. On his way back to the dugout, he was overheard crying softly to himself and repeating the phrase, "I'm such a fucking idiot. I'm such a fucking idiot."

In the top of the fifth inning with his team in the field, Texas manager Ron Washington noticed his center fielder periodically eating what looked like Funyuns.

"I started just watching Josh, and every few minutes he would reach into his pocket, but he would make it part of some larger gesture like he was stretching. Sure enough, a few seconds later he would put something in his mouth."

After striking out in the seventh inning, Hamilton was seen drinking two cans of Diet Coke before the end of the inning. According to teammates, the Home Run Derby champion's mood seemed to be lifted following the caffeine boost.

"Josh Hamilton? That guy is hilarious!" Outfielder Andruw Jones said of his teammate, "Today he asked me about how I spell my name, he said 'Why do you need the W?' I've been telling people about that all day."

Catcher Jarrod Saltalamacchia had a less jovial outlook on his teammate's behavior.
"I walked by him in the clubhouse, just passed him and the guy starts saying my last name out loud. But repeating and over enunciating it. Like Sal-ta-la-MACH-ia, SALT-alamachia, saltalamaCHIA. That's just obnoxious."

Special assignment coach and accountability partner Johnny Narron spoke with reporters after the game, while holding up an uncontrollably giggling Josh Hamilton.

"I'd be very surprised if Josh Hamilton's unusual demeanor tonight is indicative of anything - Josh, what is so goddamned funny?"

"I was just thinking," said Hamilton through clenched teeth, "what is a Mariner anyway?"

Celtics Sign Big Baby for 2 years, $6m

BOSTON, MA - - The Boston Celtics have come to terms to a six-million dollar contract over two years with a large baby. Weighing in at 7 kg at his birthing on Sunday, he has shown strong potential to match up alongside the premier forwards of the game. He will be available to back up Kevin Garnett in 2038.

"We are so lucky to have our little baby boy playing professional baskeeball," the power forward's mother said when questioned for comment. "Yes we are. Yes we are."

The baby and his agent had previously been in talks with the Denver Nuggets, whose scouts had set up their office tents outside of a Denver hospital where they found baby-phenom, LaPhonso Ellis.

Zack & Khalil: A Love Forbidden - Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Zack sat at his locker as his Royals teammates slowly shuffled out of the clubhouse. His right foot tapped furiously on the carpet in anticipation for the moment he'd be left alone.
"Great game today, Zack." remarked a passing Billy Butler.
If only Billy Butler knew how much more complicated life could be. Zack knew. Zack knew better than any one of his teammates.
"Hey Greinke! You da man!" a raucous Joakim Soria shouted as he punched Zack in the back, "You give me eight good innings, I close the game for you."
"That is our arrangement."
"Eh? I never know what you saying man! Don't party too hard now, drive safe." Soria imparted this advice to him every night.
Zack would not be attending a party tonight, but he would be driving.
As the last trainer departed the clubhouse for the night, Zack finally had the room to himself. He reached into his locker, under a pile of Sports Illustrated and Maxim. He pulled out his cell phone, his second cell phone. When he powered it on he was swiftly flooded by seven voicemails and 24 text messages, all marked urgent. He already knew who they were from.
Zack decided to bypass the messages and call back immediately. The phone was picked up on the other end mid-first ring.
"What took you so long? Don't you know I've been dying here?" Khalil was in one of his moods again.
"This is the first chance I've had all day. I'm sorry, I've been busy."
"You're tired of me, I can tell."
"Don't say that, it's not true."
Zack had learned not to fall for one of Khalil's temper tantrums. The best thing was to just let it pass.
"Listen Khalil, I'm leaving for St. Louis right now. I'll be there in about three or four hours."
"I've been alone all day. I'm going crazy over here."
"Let me call you back in five minutes, we'll talk the whole time I'm driving."
"Okay. Hurry though."
Zack hung up and took a deep breath. He couldn't remember what his life was like before Khalil Greene took it over. It wasn't always like this though. He used to be the one emoting on the phone. He couldn't leave Khalil now.


For Chapter 2 of Zack & Khalil: A Love Forbidden click here.