Editorial: Not Impressed With Basketball

by Alex Kavutskiy

Basketball?! Not impressed.

I've been a hardcore sports fan my whole life. If there's a sport, I'm a fan of it. Last week, my friend Kenneth introduced me to basketball and I gotta say... not a fan. Call me old-fashioned, but to me, sports are about teamwork and passion and strength (both of heart and body of course!) but basketball, not only has none of these qualities, it doesn't even have any of these qualities!

Maybe you'll send me an e-mail and maybe you call me Al and your email will read, "Al, what do you mean basketball doesn't have teamwork? It's a team sport!" Thanks for the e-mail but team sport, my ass. It only has 5 players! Football has 25! Rugby has 40! The more the players in play, the better. But if you can't get 62 players on the field like baseball, the next best solution is having less players. Take doubles tennis or chess. Both of those sports require 2 or 1 team members, respectively. Is it a coincidence both of those sports are better than basketball? No.

Fools and philosophers alike could suggest that basketball requires a lot of passion. So does shitting but it doesn't make it stink any less. Some would say basketball requires a lot of strength (both of heart and body) but others would say that it doesn't.

Let's go over some basic rules of basketball. First, you have to dribble the ball (I know it sounds stupid but this is what these people actually believe). Second, you gotta throw the ball to pass or shoot (Wow. Throwing the ball. Real original. First sport to ever THROW a BALL). Third, if you throw the ball into a basket you get points. The more points, the better. Sometimes you get 2 points and sometimes you get 3 but sometimes you get only 1. You don't get any points if you miss. Most basketball players are too busy learning all these complicated rules and don't have time to play. I like it when players slam-dunk the ball.

Some of the most famous basketball players are Kobe Bryant, Michael Jordan, Tyrese, and Vince Carter. My favorite out of those is Michael Jordan. He is the best basketball player that has ever lived. Kobe Bryant is pretty good, too. I also like Shaq.

In conclusion, basketball: friend or foe? Fact or fiction? We've been asking these questions for too long. It's time to get some answers. Post your comments whether you think basketball is either terrible or horrible. Why do you feel the way you do? Post your answers below. You can also shoot me an e-mail with any further concerns at yeahbaseballsprettycool@hotmail.com. But please don't call me Al.

Oh, and have you guys heard of soccer? Fuck that!

Professor Oden Shows Up at Beta Kappa Party

COLUMBUS, OH - Reinstated Ohio State professor and former number one draft pick, Dr. Gregory Oden recently made a surprise appearance at a sorority party at the Beta Kappa house. Although he never received a formal invitation, the tenured educator decided "the kids would get a kick out of seeing [him]."

After his three daughters had gone to sleep, Oden reportedly told his wife that he had left some papers he needed to grade in his office and that he would be back in about two hours. The professor then changed into a t-shirt and dungarees, an ensemble he had purchased earlier that day.

Oden's appearance was met with a mixed reaction from the party's other attendants. Kailee Tampson (pictured left) was enthusiastic upon seeing her kinesiology professor drop by for the festivities. "He's like totally a cool guy outside of class. And so tall!"

Jordan Glazer, a sophomore, was surprised and disappointed to see the seven foot faculty member at an otherwise student function. "It's pathetic. Why is he here? Stay home old man."

Oden ignored his naysayers, taking part in youthful activities such as a keg stand and date rape. Eventually a noise complaint was lodged and the party dispersed. One of the last to leave, Oden silently pulled into his own driveway in neutral at 3:30 AM. His wife and children already asleep, the middle aged former NBA center ate leftovers and fell asleep to SportsCenter.

Top 10 Knee Surgeries of the Past Half-Decade

With Blake Griffin's knee going under the knife and all the frustrated groans heard around Los Angeles, I felt it was appropriate for our only top 10 list for the end of the decade. Though mostly free-associative, I pretty much based this list on a number of factors including how much the player was paid going into the knee surgery, how much the player was expected to help the team win before the surgery, and how much the player was able to rehabilitate himself after the injury.

10. Alfonso Soriano 2009
Used to be a 30 home run, 30 steals player. Then he started hitting more home runs and stopped stealing bases. His knees got worse, and lately hasn't been hitting much at all. Knee surgery. RIP Alfonso Soriano 1976-2009.

9. Greg Oden 2007
Like Griffin, Oden was taken first overall and never played a game in his first season. Maybe it's the every other year 1st pick, bad knees draft curse. The Blazers took Oden over Kevin Durant. Durant is now among the top 5 all-stars in the league. Oden goes out for season every season because of his shitty knees. Never draft a guy who's got the face of a 45 year old; he probably has the knees of a 45 year old.

8. Matt Stafford - 2009
The Lions counted on Stafford to save the franchise. He rewarded them with a subpar season ended early with knee surgery.

7. Andrew Bynum - 2008
Drew was having a breakout season when he knocked knees with Lamar Odom in 2008. He was averaging a double-double, slamming down alley-oops, and playing with a ferocity Los Angeles hadn't seen before. He was finally living up to his potential when he went down. The worst thing about knee surgeries is that you always think they'll come back in 4-6 weeks. And then you wait 5 weeks, 6 weeks, 7 weeks, before they finally say it's hopeless. The Lakers needed Bynum's big man presence badly in the finals against the Celtics and paid the price.

6. Gilbert Arenas 2007
Gilbert's knee problems put a stop to his exponentially rising career as a prolific scorer. He hasn't been himself since and has turned to guns. The Wizards are in shambles and it's all thanks to our old friend knee surgery.

5. Brandon Inge 2009
Both knees!?

4. Kevin Garnett 2009
The Celtics lost Garnett late in the season going into the 2009 playoffs. Without their best guy, all hope for a repeat was lost for Boston and they allowed Dwight Howard to laugh all the way to the finals. He's come back with his lowest MPG, APG, PPG, and RPG numbers since his rookie season

3. Carson Palmer 2006
A highlight in the history of knee surgeries. In only his second year, Palmer took the Bengals to the playoffs. On the first play of the game, he was slammed by Oelhoffen of the Steelers. The doctor told everyone that the injury to his knee was "devastating and potentially career-ending". There's a whole article here about how severe the injury was: http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=2290239. Palmer would come back the next year without any problems.

2. Kobe Bryant 2007
This was a great knee surgery. He had problems with his knee throughout the 2006 season, but he played on it, got the surgery in the offseason, and was ready to go in time for the regular season. His knee has not been a problem since, and he keeps getting better.

1. Tom Brady 2008
Tom Brady meant everything to New England. And it only took one game for all of the Patriots fans to see it all go up in flames. Big heartbreaker. However, he comes back next season and throws for a classic Tom Brady 4,000+ yards and 28 touchdowns.

Gilbert Arenas Hopeful he is Dreaming

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In light of his indefinite suspension from the NBA after a locker room incident involving multiple handguns, distraught Wizards guard Gilbert Arenas expressed that he is still hoping this has all been a bad dream. The former All Star, whose remaining $90 million on his contract may be terminated, unless he fell asleep on a flight during the 2006-2007 season and the last three turbulent years have been a dream.

The mercurial point guard began to suspect he might be dreaming when he found himself pointing a handgun at a teammate of whom he did not even know the name. Arenas' life rapidly fell apart in the ensuing days, and the surreal nature of these events lead him to believe that this was not the real world.

At a press conference Thursday following his suspension, Arenas toyed with the concept that everything he was experiencing was not real, including the reporters present.

"You guys are probably just amalgams of reporters I've talked to in the past. It would make a lot of sense if this were a dream. The handguns probably represent my shooting ability, and David Stern represents my father, and the suspension represents my fear of getting suspended."

Arenas then brought up the heady concept of lucid dreaming.

"I saw in a movie that if you think you're dreaming you should try to adjust the light levels in a room. If you can't turn the lights on and off, you're dreaming," Arenas posited as he walked over to the light switch on the wall. "Damn it."

Update: Bill Hall Runs Into Ex-Wife in Boston

Hall, right, with then-wife Cheryl and then-best friend Matthew

BOSTON, MA -- Bill Hall had just gotten off his flight in Boston when he ran into his ex-wife, Cheryl at the airport. After an awkward hug and saccharin smiles, Bill and his wife asked each other what they were doing in Boston. Bill told her that he'd just been traded to the Red Sox and Cheryl said that she lives in the city now and is waiting for a flight to Hawaii.

Bill told her she looked great. Cheryl asked him how he was doing. Bill asked about the kids when Matthew, Bill Hall's best friend in Milwaukee, showed up behind Cheryl with the two kids, wearing a hawaiian shirt and khaki pants. The kids were shy around their biological father and clung to Matthew's leg. Matthew, who looks a lot like former Milwaukee outfielder Jeromy Burnitz, asked the same questions that Cheryl had politely asked Bill just a few moments before.

Bill shook the hands of everyone in the family before embarking on starting his life over once again.

Why The Utah Jazz Team from Celtic Pride Could, and Did Win the NBA Finals

1. Lewis Scott is the best player in the NBA. Period. If you're a scoring machine like Scott, you don't need to pass the potato. Your supporting cast is only there to give Scott some court space and play mediocre defense to keep the other, all-white team in the game in a conspiracy to give the illusion that Utah Jazz have any chance of losing with a player like Lewis Scott on their team.

2. Lurch is simply the team's Hasheem Thabeet. Although only about a head taller than Scott, he is a fierce competitor, a Charles Barkley type. The GM of the Jazz thought he would develop and give Scott a legitimate low-post threat to get offensive rebounds (in the highly unlikely scenario that Scott misses a shot) and then immediately pass back to Scott. He is a rookie though, and he needs more time to develop, but with Scott out, they'll have to play a new style that would accommodate a conservative, defense and rebound oriented, efficient style of basketball. The hopes of actually winning a game without Scott are ludicrous, but he'll be back in time for game 7 thank god.

3. The bad blood going on within the team only contributes to the competitive fire that has taken them to where they are thus far.

3a. The main guy on the Celtics who always dunks is a basketball extra that you see in any basketball scene in any movie in the 90's. I think he was one of the guys in Cable Guy.

4. Coach Christopher McDonald, though hot tempered, has a really, really, really good system. He's also really good at golf.

5. Chris McCarthy also had tickets to the final game.

Why the Utah Jazz Team from Celtic Pride Could Not Have Won the NBA Finals

1. Lewis Scott (Damon Wayans) is their star, referred to several times as the best player in the NBA. However he literally never passes. When he passes to a teammate during the 4th quarter of Game 7, Bill Walton reacts as if the act is a revelation in Scott's game. So the best player in the league has zero career assists, and at the same time has carried his team all the way to the Finals.

2. Apparently the Jazz only have five players who their coach considers qualified to play any minutes. When Lewis Scott goes AWOL, Utah's Croatian sixth man Lurch tries to convince the coach to give him a chance. Lurch is completely inept, missing dunks in practice and causing his coach to declare that he hates his life. At first I presumed that Lurch was the team's worst player, but as game time approaches and Scott still hasn't shown, Lurch is plugged into the starting lineup. The coach screams at him to just stand under the basket and rebound. So a team with absolutely no bench production is on the cusp of a World Championship.

3. Not only does Utah have no bench, they also have no secondary stars to Lewis Scott. Instead his teammates are an assortment of two dimensional characters who all hate him. So he has no moral support and he never passes, yet he is about to win a championship. Actually Scott had to be the best player in the NBA, probably the best of all time.

3a. The Celtics team in Celtic Pride could not have won their conference either. They appear to be five white guys who are all the same height. They also have no identity, basically extras in Celtics uniforms. None of them ever say anything important or establish any characteristics. Come to think of it, pretty much everyone on the floor except for Lurch seems completely indifferent to playing in the Finals.

Bills' LB Pozluszny Rents Leatherheads on Blu-Ray, Really Enjoys It

BUFFALO, NY -- Buffalo Bills' Middle Linebacker Paul Pozluszny got more than he bargained for when he went to Hollywood Video with his girlfriend on Tuesday night.

"Clooney in top form!" Pozluzny exclaimed to teammate Jairus Byrd before practice the next morning. "He was perfect. And I love Krasinski from the Office, but I thought that he could only play Jim. Boy was I wrong! I didn't even want to see a movie about football. But my girlfriend really wanted to see it because she likes that [Zellwegger] chick. But I was like 'Babe, you know, I have to deal with football every day.' You know, I usually just wanna see movies like The Departed. That was a good movie. I'm glad [Scorsese] finally won an Oscar. He should've won for Raging Bull, my all-time favorite movie. But yeah, you should see it Jai. Oh, but make sure you get it on Blu-Ray. I can't imagine seeing it any other way. The picture really jumps. Oh man, the football scenes are really good. Even though it's a comedy, they really captured the brutality of the game. The sound was really good. I could feel every tackle. And they didn't have much equipment back then like we do now. They had leather helmets. OH! That's why it's called Leatherheads! Wow!" Paul chuckled to himself in disbelief in the empty locker room.

Brett Favre Announces Retirement After Final Game of Season

MINNESOTA, MIN - Following the final game of the season on Sunday, Brett Favre once again announced his retirement from professional football.

A reporter asked the quarterback if he was mentally prepared going into the playoffs and Favre responded with, "It's funny you should ask that..." Favre went on to announce that he is hanging up his jersey for the third time.

"Believe me, I want to continue play football. It's all I know. But sometimes your body just tells you that you can't take another snap. And sometimes you just have to listen, no matter how your team is doing," Favre solemnly stated to the disinterested media. "I thought I could make it through one more season, though not 100 percent, and I did. I'm looking forward to watching the guys on television with my family."

The future hall-of-famer went on to say that he wouldn't rule out a comeback in time for the post-season before bidding one more tearful goodbye.

Jason Bay, and a Brief History of "Met-amorphosis"

Free agent Jason Bay agreed to terms with the New York Mets Tuesday on a four year contract worth $66 million. This latest signing marks the latest in a history of Mets' acquisitions that ushered in a new era of lameness in a once exciting player's career.

Below is a recent history of what I am dubbing Met-amorphosis; New York Mets acquisitions and the resulting hype windfall of each player concerned.

2008: Fresh off of setting the single season saves record the previous season, free agent closer Francisco Rodriguez signed a three year/$37 million contract with the Mets, and began the part of his career where no one wants to talk about him.

2008: Two-time Cy Young Award winner Johan Santana was acquired through a trade, and then signed to six year/$137.5 million contract with the Mets. At the time of the signing, fans everywhere were thrilled that a large market team was able to come to terms with one of the premier players in the game.

2005: After a postseason in which he tied the record for most postseason home runs, Carlos Beltran sold his soul to the Mets for 7 years and $119 million. The signing brought him riches and fame beyond his wildest dreams, but at the cost of a debilitating injury every 2-3 months for the life of the contract.

2005: After pitching for the first World Champion Red Sox team since that was the correct spelling of "socks", Pedro Martinez signed a 4 year/$53 million contract with the Mets. The former phenom had a strong first season with New York, but sat out large portions of each subsequent season, hampered with constant injuries. This is also when Pedro got fat, and this fact cannot be overlooked.

Some other notable candidates for this designation: Tom Glavine, Carlos Delgado, and Luis Castillo (never that exciting to begin with, but still).

Third Grader Despised for Ignorance of Baseball Record

OSHKOSH, WI - Third grade student Donny Stubbs was abused and shunned by his peers Tuesday after incorrectly guessing the all time home run record holder. The eight year old boy, yearning to fit in, conjectured that Babe Ruth held the record.

Classmate Kevin McFeely was quick to scold the ignorant Stubbs. "It's Barry Bonds, and then it's Hank Aaron, and then Babe Ruth, faggot."

Donny Stubbs then claimed to have known about Barry Bonds, and that his Babe Ruth guess was a response to a question he thought he was being asked. This explanation was met with further degradation to his masculinity and intelligence.

"I'll probably start following sports more closely from now on," Stubbs contemplated to no one in particular during afternoon recess, "That could come in handy."

Chad Ochocinco Fined for Hijinks

CINCINATTI, OH - Eccentric Bengals receiver Chad Ochocinco was fined $20,000 for an unabashed display of hijinks following a touchdown in Sunday's game. The idiosyncratic name changer engaged in a somewhat original act of whimsy after a productive offensive play in which he played a pivotal role. The play-making goofball, known for his celebratory antics, silenced doubters of his commitment to tomfoolery.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell is taking a hard line with the borderline entertainer. In a press conference yesterday, Goodell read in a statement, "Chad needs to take responsibility for the damages that he causes with his shenanigans. They detract from the serious nature of athletic spectacle, and distract other players who are trying to pay attention to the game."

When asked where the money from Ochocinco's fine will go, Roger Goodell paused briefly before swiftly levying a fine on the inquisitive reporter for being a "smart aleck."

Memphis Grizzlies' Mascot Scores 11 points, Grabs 8 rebounds

Greg Oden Retires, Considers Teaching Again

PORTLAND, OR - After fracturing his left knee cap Saturday night, Trailblazers Center Greg Oden will miss the rest of the 2009-10 season. The 45 year-old NBA sophomore will likely retire following this recent setback and weigh his career options.

Dr. Gregory "Greg" Oden was a professor of Kinesiology at Ohio State University from 1993 until 2006, when he volunteered to play for the school's basketball team after wowing coaches during a "Faculty vs. Students" pickup game. His play during that collegiate year drew attention from even the most orthodox of basketball minds in the professional game.

"Ten years ago if you had asked me if a 43 year-old could flourish as a rookie in the NBA, I would have scoffed." Veteran scout Ralph Laquette said following Oden's breakout season with the Buckeyes. "This Greg Oden is a man among boys though."

When Portland drafted the tenured educator number one overall in the 2007 NBA Draft, Oden decided to trade in the chalkboard for the hardwood and take a sabbatical from his post at Ohio State. The Trailblazers were optimistic that Oden's combination of vast life experience and impressive teaching credentials would have a significant impact on the team's success along with their continued education.

However the middle aged seven-footer, despite being in phenomenal physical shape for someone his age, has not been able to avoid the injury bug during his young career. After missing his rookie season following microfracture surgery, he was repeatedly sidelined due to injuries during the 2008-09 campaign. This most recent injury will most likely pave the way back to grading term papers and speaking off the PowerPoint for the two-time Gatorade National Player of the Year.

According to sources close to Oden, the father of three teenage daughters is looking forward to spending more time with his family following his foray into professional sport.

LeBron James a Knick, JK