Chad Ochocinco Fined for Hijinks

CINCINATTI, OH - Eccentric Bengals receiver Chad Ochocinco was fined $20,000 for an unabashed display of hijinks following a touchdown in Sunday's game. The idiosyncratic name changer engaged in a somewhat original act of whimsy after a productive offensive play in which he played a pivotal role. The play-making goofball, known for his celebratory antics, silenced doubters of his commitment to tomfoolery.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell is taking a hard line with the borderline entertainer. In a press conference yesterday, Goodell read in a statement, "Chad needs to take responsibility for the damages that he causes with his shenanigans. They detract from the serious nature of athletic spectacle, and distract other players who are trying to pay attention to the game."

When asked where the money from Ochocinco's fine will go, Roger Goodell paused briefly before swiftly levying a fine on the inquisitive reporter for being a "smart aleck."

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Greg Oden Retires, Considers Teaching Again

PORTLAND, OR - After fracturing his left knee cap Saturday night, Trailblazers Center Greg Oden will miss the rest of the 2009-10 season. The 45 year-old NBA sophomore will likely retire following this recent setback and weigh his career options.

Dr. Gregory "Greg" Oden was a professor of Kinesiology at Ohio State University from 1993 until 2006, when he volunteered to play for the school's basketball team after wowing coaches during a "Faculty vs. Students" pickup game. His play during that collegiate year drew attention from even the most orthodox of basketball minds in the professional game.

"Ten years ago if you had asked me if a 43 year-old could flourish as a rookie in the NBA, I would have scoffed." Veteran scout Ralph Laquette said following Oden's breakout season with the Buckeyes. "This Greg Oden is a man among boys though."

When Portland drafted the tenured educator number one overall in the 2007 NBA Draft, Oden decided to trade in the chalkboard for the hardwood and take a sabbatical from his post at Ohio State. The Trailblazers were optimistic that Oden's combination of vast life experience and impressive teaching credentials would have a significant impact on the team's success along with their continued education.

However the middle aged seven-footer, despite being in phenomenal physical shape for someone his age, has not been able to avoid the injury bug during his young career. After missing his rookie season following microfracture surgery, he was repeatedly sidelined due to injuries during the 2008-09 campaign. This most recent injury will most likely pave the way back to grading term papers and speaking off the PowerPoint for the two-time Gatorade National Player of the Year.

According to sources close to Oden, the father of three teenage daughters is looking forward to spending more time with his family following his foray into professional sport.