Bills' LB Pozluszny Rents Leatherheads on Blu-Ray, Really Enjoys It

BUFFALO, NY -- Buffalo Bills' Middle Linebacker Paul Pozluszny got more than he bargained for when he went to Hollywood Video with his girlfriend on Tuesday night.

"Clooney in top form!" Pozluzny exclaimed to teammate Jairus Byrd before practice the next morning. "He was perfect. And I love Krasinski from the Office, but I thought that he could only play Jim. Boy was I wrong! I didn't even want to see a movie about football. But my girlfriend really wanted to see it because she likes that [Zellwegger] chick. But I was like 'Babe, you know, I have to deal with football every day.' You know, I usually just wanna see movies like The Departed. That was a good movie. I'm glad [Scorsese] finally won an Oscar. He should've won for Raging Bull, my all-time favorite movie. But yeah, you should see it Jai. Oh, but make sure you get it on Blu-Ray. I can't imagine seeing it any other way. The picture really jumps. Oh man, the football scenes are really good. Even though it's a comedy, they really captured the brutality of the game. The sound was really good. I could feel every tackle. And they didn't have much equipment back then like we do now. They had leather helmets. OH! That's why it's called Leatherheads! Wow!" Paul chuckled to himself in disbelief in the empty locker room.

Brett Favre Announces Retirement After Final Game of Season

MINNESOTA, MIN - Following the final game of the season on Sunday, Brett Favre once again announced his retirement from professional football.

A reporter asked the quarterback if he was mentally prepared going into the playoffs and Favre responded with, "It's funny you should ask that..." Favre went on to announce that he is hanging up his jersey for the third time.

"Believe me, I want to continue play football. It's all I know. But sometimes your body just tells you that you can't take another snap. And sometimes you just have to listen, no matter how your team is doing," Favre solemnly stated to the disinterested media. "I thought I could make it through one more season, though not 100 percent, and I did. I'm looking forward to watching the guys on television with my family."

The future hall-of-famer went on to say that he wouldn't rule out a comeback in time for the post-season before bidding one more tearful goodbye.

Jason Bay, and a Brief History of "Met-amorphosis"

Free agent Jason Bay agreed to terms with the New York Mets Tuesday on a four year contract worth $66 million. This latest signing marks the latest in a history of Mets' acquisitions that ushered in a new era of lameness in a once exciting player's career.

Below is a recent history of what I am dubbing Met-amorphosis; New York Mets acquisitions and the resulting hype windfall of each player concerned.

2008: Fresh off of setting the single season saves record the previous season, free agent closer Francisco Rodriguez signed a three year/$37 million contract with the Mets, and began the part of his career where no one wants to talk about him.

2008: Two-time Cy Young Award winner Johan Santana was acquired through a trade, and then signed to six year/$137.5 million contract with the Mets. At the time of the signing, fans everywhere were thrilled that a large market team was able to come to terms with one of the premier players in the game.

2005: After a postseason in which he tied the record for most postseason home runs, Carlos Beltran sold his soul to the Mets for 7 years and $119 million. The signing brought him riches and fame beyond his wildest dreams, but at the cost of a debilitating injury every 2-3 months for the life of the contract.

2005: After pitching for the first World Champion Red Sox team since that was the correct spelling of "socks", Pedro Martinez signed a 4 year/$53 million contract with the Mets. The former phenom had a strong first season with New York, but sat out large portions of each subsequent season, hampered with constant injuries. This is also when Pedro got fat, and this fact cannot be overlooked.

Some other notable candidates for this designation: Tom Glavine, Carlos Delgado, and Luis Castillo (never that exciting to begin with, but still).

Third Grader Despised for Ignorance of Baseball Record

OSHKOSH, WI - Third grade student Donny Stubbs was abused and shunned by his peers Tuesday after incorrectly guessing the all time home run record holder. The eight year old boy, yearning to fit in, conjectured that Babe Ruth held the record.

Classmate Kevin McFeely was quick to scold the ignorant Stubbs. "It's Barry Bonds, and then it's Hank Aaron, and then Babe Ruth, faggot."

Donny Stubbs then claimed to have known about Barry Bonds, and that his Babe Ruth guess was a response to a question he thought he was being asked. This explanation was met with further degradation to his masculinity and intelligence.

"I'll probably start following sports more closely from now on," Stubbs contemplated to no one in particular during afternoon recess, "That could come in handy."

Chad Ochocinco Fined for Hijinks

CINCINATTI, OH - Eccentric Bengals receiver Chad Ochocinco was fined $20,000 for an unabashed display of hijinks following a touchdown in Sunday's game. The idiosyncratic name changer engaged in a somewhat original act of whimsy after a productive offensive play in which he played a pivotal role. The play-making goofball, known for his celebratory antics, silenced doubters of his commitment to tomfoolery.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell is taking a hard line with the borderline entertainer. In a press conference yesterday, Goodell read in a statement, "Chad needs to take responsibility for the damages that he causes with his shenanigans. They detract from the serious nature of athletic spectacle, and distract other players who are trying to pay attention to the game."

When asked where the money from Ochocinco's fine will go, Roger Goodell paused briefly before swiftly levying a fine on the inquisitive reporter for being a "smart aleck."

Memphis Grizzlies' Mascot Scores 11 points, Grabs 8 rebounds

Greg Oden Retires, Considers Teaching Again

PORTLAND, OR - After fracturing his left knee cap Saturday night, Trailblazers Center Greg Oden will miss the rest of the 2009-10 season. The 45 year-old NBA sophomore will likely retire following this recent setback and weigh his career options.

Dr. Gregory "Greg" Oden was a professor of Kinesiology at Ohio State University from 1993 until 2006, when he volunteered to play for the school's basketball team after wowing coaches during a "Faculty vs. Students" pickup game. His play during that collegiate year drew attention from even the most orthodox of basketball minds in the professional game.

"Ten years ago if you had asked me if a 43 year-old could flourish as a rookie in the NBA, I would have scoffed." Veteran scout Ralph Laquette said following Oden's breakout season with the Buckeyes. "This Greg Oden is a man among boys though."

When Portland drafted the tenured educator number one overall in the 2007 NBA Draft, Oden decided to trade in the chalkboard for the hardwood and take a sabbatical from his post at Ohio State. The Trailblazers were optimistic that Oden's combination of vast life experience and impressive teaching credentials would have a significant impact on the team's success along with their continued education.

However the middle aged seven-footer, despite being in phenomenal physical shape for someone his age, has not been able to avoid the injury bug during his young career. After missing his rookie season following microfracture surgery, he was repeatedly sidelined due to injuries during the 2008-09 campaign. This most recent injury will most likely pave the way back to grading term papers and speaking off the PowerPoint for the two-time Gatorade National Player of the Year.

According to sources close to Oden, the father of three teenage daughters is looking forward to spending more time with his family following his foray into professional sport.

LeBron James a Knick, JK

New Study Shows Players Hate Giving Back

A new study in which players from a certain basketball association were surveyed shows that with few exceptions, players hate giving back to their community. According to several sources, who agreed to comment only after their anonymity was ensured, their league's mandatory charity initiatives are nothing more than an inconvenient obligation.

"Maybe the NBA Cares, but that doesn't mean I should have to give a shit," lamented one Los Angeles shooting guard, "I mean hand out presents for a half hour on Christmas, fine. But what am I doing building a house? I'm a shot caller, not a drywaller."

"I'm so grateful for the opportunity that I'm in, I'm more than happy to do anything I can to help the Orlando community...not!" Joked one jovial, 6'11" man. "Man, this shit's gay!"

Rockets Haven't Told McGrady He's Fired Yet

HOUSTON, TX -- Tracy McGrady showed up to Wednesday night's game against the Timberwolves in full uniform expecting to be activated, only to find out that he wasn't on the roster.

"I showed up for warmups, and everyone was shooting me weird looks and I was just shooting around and then coach [Adelman] took me aside and told me that- that he didn't know what was going on, but that I wasn't on the team's roster, " The confuseed former all-star free agent said Thursday in a phone interview." He told me to get it cleared up with front office, but I couldn't get a hold of Daryl [Rockets' general manager Morey], so I just went home. I hope he's okay."

"Nobody's told him still?" Newly acquired small forward Trevor Ariza said at the halftime interview. "Uhh... Well, I'm not gonna be the one to tell him that I took his job. No way."

"We just haven't gotten around to it, yet," Morey said when questioned after the game.

Arena DJ Plays "Everybody Dance Now", Dirk Nowitzki Goes Wild

Allen Iverson Wants to Want to Play for the Grizzlies

by Allen Iverson

Don't get Allen Iverson wrong. If Allen Iverson had ever really wanted to play for Memphis, this would be so much easier. Sometimes when a team shows interest in you, you want to reciprocate that interest by signing a contract with them. However after six whole games with that team, only three of which Allen Iverson played in, it became clear that Allen Iverson had fallen asleep for a year and found himself playing for the Memphis Grizzlies.

Allen Iverson wishes it didn't have to be this way, but at the same time he can't respect himself when he's coming off the bench, for $3 million, for the Grizzlies. Allen Iverson used to be the No. 1 pick, the MVP, not to mention cover of NBA 2K through 2K4. But what is Allen Iverson now? Mike Conley ain't never been on the cover of no NBA 2K.

Allen Iverson has no regrets though. He's glad he signed that contract that the Grizzlies offered him. It was very gracious of them and Allen Iverson is more than happy to take their $3 million. However, it's important to know when to leave a situation that isn't working. Just imagine if we were twelve games into the season and Allen Iverson had to walk away. After those Grizzlies saw what Allen Iverson brought to their team, they could never go on without him.

Overall, Allen Iverson's legacy with Memphis will be one defined by a trio of classic A.I. performances - like that one night we played the Warriors and he scored 18 points (season high!). Allen Iverson wishes the Memphis Grizzlies the best in all of their future endeavors, and hopes to stay in touch with OJ Mayo.

Self-Concious Manny Pacquiao Wears T-Shirt to Fight

LAS VEGAS, NV - Welterweight boxing champion Manny Pacquiao bucked boxing tradition Wednesday when he opted to wear a t-shirt to his match versus Miguel Cotto.

"I don't know what he thinks he has to be ashamed of," Pacquiao's trainer Freddie Roach told reporters. "He has a terrific body."

When questioned, Pacquiao dismissed rumors of his new bashfulness. "No, you guys have got it all wrong. I just like this t-shirt."

Rumor: New York Knicks show interest in LeBron James?

NEW YORK, NY -- It is becoming apparent that New York Knicks GM Donnie Walsh is entertaining the idea of LeBron James in a blue and orange uniform in 2010.

"It would make sense for our franchise right now that we try to sign LeBron. I mean, if we had a player of that caliber on our team, we could really win some games," Walsh said when questioned about James' eligibility as a free agent in the upcoming offseason. "I'm not sure exactly how well he would fit into our system, or where we would put [Danilo] Gallinari, but I am definitely looking into the possibility of bringing him to New York City."

Other teams that have shown interest in last year's MVP include: the New Jersey Nets, the Miami Heat, the Chicago Bulls, the Los Angeles Clippers, the Los Angeles Lakers, the Toronto Raptors, the Boston Celtics, the Orlando Magic, the Denver Nuggets, the Sacramento Kings, the New Orleans Hornets, the Oklahoma City Thunder, the Golden State Warriors, the Phoenix Suns, the San Antonio Spurs, the Dallas Mavericks, the Atlanta Hawks, the Washington Wizards, the Philadelphia 76'ers, the Memphis Grizzlies, the Indiana Pacers, the Utah jazz, the Portland Trailblazers, the Houston Rockets, the Minnesota Timberwolves, the Milwaukee Bucks, the Charlotte Bobcats, the Detroit Pistons and the Cleveland Cavaliers.

Josh Smith Decides to Give up Explaining Fantasy Basketball to Joe Smith